reforming my other side
by Sunamachi
Summary: what if ryou was less nerdy? and bakura more eloquent? geez. let's hope it doesn't happen.
1. Enter Tofu

TOFU

Disclaimer: I am not Takahashi Kazuki. I do not own YGO.

A/N: This fanfiction is officially back, and edited.

RA-SENT TOFU

"…plus the fact that there is more protein in 100g of tofu that in 100g of meat…"

Watching the pale-haired boy widened his eyes in comprehension, he stopped his ramble. About time too, he was running out of facts, made-up statistics and philosophies of animals having souls. Yes, animals have souls. They could have been humans once, and if you eat meat, maybe you're eating a human, and that's disgusting. Ew.

"Honto?" breathed the stunned boy. Whoa, this is tofu? Some wonderful substance that he never knew could be so nutritious. Sure, he had occasionally had some floating around in a bowl of miso soup but that was about it. It was just some bland white cube in the middle of his soup, which he usually ignored because, frankly, his SPOON had more flavour than that stuff.

"Yeah!" Enthusiastic enough? Easy, just mimic one of Yuugi's friends, cough, and at that, a particular girl who goes by the name of Anzu Masaki. "And you can marinate it, leave it in the fridge, it soaks up the flavour, and it's so versatile, too."

"Oooh." It was great! Tofu, a hell lot more healthier. More protein, practically no cholesterol, easy, versatile, flavoursome if marinated, plus the fact that you aren't eating animals. Ah, your physical and spiritual heart will thank you for it. Wonderful.

"You know, Ryou, I could give you some little booklets about tofu, how to cook it and all. Try it! I'm sure you'd like it." Malik smiled sweetly. How? Plenty of practice. How do you think he pulled off 'Namu' in front of Yuugi's friends?

Nodding furiously, Ryou laughed along with Malik. What a spiritual kid, he thought. Despite the lilac midriff top, motorcycle and attitude that screamed 'I will kick your ass anyday, minimal charge even', he could be… a committed person? Never knew he had that side, never knew he was vegetarian either. Well, only proves you learn something new everyday.

"Yes please! I'll try it out."

Handing Ryou a pile of old booklets, almost perfectly preserved in their recently brushed off layer of dust, because they were pretty much untouched by everyone else, Malik watched the elated boy jog home with a pile of booklets. He was a good salesperson? Hardly. Okay, he could be. But only when it suited him, and using those skills to whip up his revenge upon Ryou's yami, Bakura… Hey, that suited him fine.

Bakura, let's see who gets the last laugh, Malik mused.

Carrying the stacks of booklets and various pamphlets that Malik so conveniently had in his cargo pant's pocket, Ryou opened his front door and half-pranced half-bobbed beeline for the fridge. Yes! There was tofu inside!

Flipping to a random page, Ryou decided to cook, per usual, but this time, from a cookbook. Or rather, booklet.

"Oi, yadonushi, I'm home. I'm starving!"

How a spirit could starve, Ryou didn't know. But when his yami announced he was hungry, the faster you whip up a meal, the fewer things broken. That, he learnt the hard way, by experience. There once upon a time used to be a novelty sculpture on top of his coffee table, but alas, it passed away in a plastic bag and disappeared into a yellow truck, driven away and those much loved shards were never seen again.

But now is not the time for sentimentality, no, cooking dinner was at hand. And if revenge was ever evident in that boy's head, his cooking was enough to say the least.

"Hai! Itadakimasu!"

Glancing at the plate, the meal was not the usual. For one, it did not even have a vague shape or colour of steak, and knowing his yadonushi, that colour range ranged from bright red to charcoal black. He'd had a lot of experience of Ryou's cooking, and this, even in the loosest sense, did not look like a steak.

"Nani kuso?" Watching his yami twitch his eyebrow, Ryou decidedly thought he looked stupid doing that but since he'd rather have his neck and head attached, he sanely kept that comment to himself.

"Ban-go-han." Articulating each syllable sharply with a helium-breathed, anime-blocked nose and "Black Magician" finger waggling whilst making it clear to Bakura that there were other foods other than steak, meat, raw meat, bread, garlic, chicken, meat and more meat. Like TOFU. Ah, the wonderful Ra-sent tofu.

"Uh huh, do I look like a rabbit to you?" Honestly, there was NO steak…or meat for that matter. Just vegetable, some mush with green, red and yellow pellets in it and…some white block of something…something familiar….

"Enk? Ah…well…do you look like a rabbit?"

Did his yami _really_ want _that_ to be answered. Strictly speaking, he _could_ answer that. But plainly speaking, if you answered truthfully to that question the next thing you know is that your soul is trapped inside a carrot and that you're being waved in front of a rabbit. Some twisted version of 'revenge' Bakura would find to be amusing. Why? Take a close look at Bakura. Look past the sneer, the twinkling Millennium Ring, ignore the instinct to steal it (for the kleptomaniacs out there, Bakura is a thief. The Thief King, for a good reason. Steal the Ring at your own risk.), look up, preferably somewhere within the hair region. There we go, what do we see? Two spiky bits of rebellious hair, thus giving you a distinct impression that he has either a superior mode of transport lodged on his head OR, like a homicidal rabbit. So, does Bakura really want to know the answer to that question?

"Don't answer that," No, guess not, "instead, so something useful. Grill a steak for me?"

"Steak? Um, there's no meat of any sort here anymore." Ryou squeaked.

"NANI KUSO?"

Giggling anxiously, the death song of those about to be killed by the broody Tomb Robber, Ryou presented and wafted Bakura's plate in his face, his life precariously hanging on tenterhooks, and hoped his dinner smelt good enough to be registered as 'edible'.

"Why. Is. There. No. Steak?"

"There's lentil stew! It's really…good…try some." Scooping a spoonful himself, he hoped he wasn't committing suicide. That 'lentil stew' resembled clag paste™ with a multitude of mini Lego™ bits mixed in it. That is if you were an avid supporter of euphemisms. That had better taste good…or I am going to die…

Swallowing, Ryou decided it wasn't going to make Bakura forgive him, but on the bright side, it wasn't going to make Bakura kill him. Right?

"No, thank you," Breathing in and out in a surprisingly controlled manner, being a spirit does not mean he was immune from blood pressure. How a spirit can have blood that is another one of the mysteries that none will bother to solve, "I think…I'll retire for the evening."

"Why?" Hey, his cooking wasn't _that_ bad. Not like it was going to kill anyone, but then the only other person who ate his cooking was a spirit. So technically, he is dead. Not so reassuring then.

"I'm not hungry."

"You said you were starving." Ryou accused.

"I lied." Bakura said simply. "Oyasu…"

"Suwatte! O yasai mo tabe nasai…" Most people are under the impression that Japanese people are courteous…gentle…polite… Not Ryou's case. Sure, he wasn't Bakura, but what he said before…that was no "PLEASE eat your vegetables", shall we say, it was more of…YOU WILL EAT YOUR VEGETABLES OR ELSE?

"IYADA!" Disappearing into the Ring, he thanked it for the millionth time for saving him from the natural disaster, known as vegetables.

_Those things are…devious for one. Somehow, they have managed to inhibit the Earth, and flourished by brainwashing parents all over the world. No one escapes them. They have brainwashed parents and forced them to put their own children to undergo a torture many receive. Eating vegetables. And now, they have made it through my barriers and invaded the boy's mind. My host is forcing me to eat vegetables? Not without a ight, boy, you won't. Memo to self: must exorcise the boy in the near future._

Still standing in the kitchen, Ryou continued to eat his dinner.

_Aw, yami didn't get to eat my stew…it wasn't that bad. I liked it…I don't think that went too badly. For one, Bakura didn't kill me. I'm glad he took so well. Now come to think of it, the stew is good, and tofu is GREAT. Memo to self: must persuade Bakura to try some. Must talk to Malik. He will help me._

"Malik! You home?"

"Ryou-kun. Want to come in? Malik isn't home right now," welcomed his sister, Isis, "But he'll be back sooner or later."

"Oh thanks! I just wanted to talk to him about the booklets he gave me…"

Abruptly stopping the flow of red ruby grapefruit juice, Isis could only wonder what kind of _booklets_ her brother would have…an assortment of _tattooing_ booklets? Would he have given those to Ryou? Hell, his yami was already psychotic enough without his light having _things_ inscribed onto his back.

"What booklets?" Isis looked wary.

"Oh. The ones about tofu, the one full of recipes…"

"Recipes? Sorry, I'm drawing a blank."

"Oh, never mind then. Malik was just suggesting ways to be healthy and such, so henceforth, tofu…"

"Really?" She said sceptically. Her brother may be a vegetarian but he was no fan of tofu, there was something suspicious here…something to do with Ryou and tofu…

"Do you like tofu?" she asked. Her brother, she was sure, was up to _something_. Why would her brother advise tofu to Ryou? He doesn't like tofu, Isis reminded herself. Malik getting Ryou to eat tofu because it's horrible? But Malik was on mutual terms with Ryou. It was just Bakura that he fought with…advising tofu to Bakura? It didn't make sense…

"Yeah, I do! The recipes are really good…why are you staring at me like that."

"You live with Bakura! I see now."

Ah, Ryou would look after Bakura because Bakura can't do it himself, and has to eat what his hikari would be eating. Therefore, because Bakura is Bakura, and Bakura has an aversion to anything vaguely healthy, tofu is her brother's revenge. Her brother was…one sly person.

_Memo to self: must keep eye on Malik. Never agree with him unless properly mulled over situation._

"What?" questioned the confused boy. Of course, he lived with his yami, there was nothing he could do about it. If his yami was torturing him, Ryou couldn't really go to the police station. Really, 'Hey police peoples, my other self is torturing me, can you help me?' They'd probably 'help' you by locking you up in a loony bin.

Isis pondered over it for a moment. Should she really tell Ryou? Tofu could really be beneficial for that carnivorous tomb-robber…but since it was HER brother that was musing revenge on Ryou's darker half, you never know. She should really tell him…

"Oh, nothing."

SHOULD tell him, but nah.

"Stop." Ryou suddenly yelled.

"What?"

"The juice, stop pouring! It's going to spill!"

Stemming the flow of juice, Isis handed the glass to the observant boy who was currently wiping the mess with tissues.

"How are the recipes? Any good?"

"Yup. Made lentil stew last night…Bakura didn't seem to like it though."

"Give it time, he just needs time to get used to it." Get used to it? He probably came from a family that served the usual fare of lentil stew with flat bread every night.

"I'm home!"

"Malik! Ryou's…"

"Here! I know."

The uncanny way of siblings. For one to finish off the other's sentences.

"How's the tofu?" Feigning interest and ignoring the glare from his sister, Malik played along with his 'concerned' act. Sure, he had nothing against the boy, but getting Bakura back seemed to be more important than anything now.

"Good. I was wondering, because Bakura doesn't eat it, how can I get him to. You know, balanced diet and all."

Suppressing the need to laugh at Ryou, Malik was berating himself for not planing for this course of action. Of course, Bakura wouldn't subject to vegetables, he thought. Stupid really, almost as stupid as Ryou making sure Bakura has a balanced diet. Indeed, he was a spirit. Who has ever heard of a spirit suffering from malnutrition?

"Well, I'd say Bakura's just being stubborn and just doesn't want to try out new things. Change the appearance, make it look like meat, whatever, I'm…sure…he'd like that. Anyways, he just needs to try some on his own, you know how it is with your yami."

"Thank you so much, Malik-kun!"

Hugging the boy, the much elated Ryou half-skipped all the way home, leaving the blushing Malik sweat dropping at home.

Yes, Ryou, try hiding some _tofu_ on Bakura's plate. If I don't see you tomorrow, well, at least I'll know why. Ban-the-vegetable supporters with his light as an avid woo-hoo-go-tofu supporter plus a plotting grave keeper? This is going to be interesting…

Translations:

Yadonushi: Landlord. This is what Bakura sometimes calls Ryou.

Itadakimasu: Something you say at the start of a meal.

Nani kuso: Japanese equivalent of WTF?!

Ban-go-han: dinner. Lit: evening rice

A/N: I know I do many notes; I am really trying to cut down. But unlike smoking, author's notes don't have patches so I'm going to have to do it depressingly hard way. Make it easier for me, and cheer me up with some reviews, ne?


	2. Chocolate Strawberries and Creampuffs?

RA SENT TOFU

Disclaimer: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I do not own YGO.

A/N: Must have depressed as I deleted ALL my fanfiction. Ah well, at least not it wasn't the most sincere form of self-criticism. It's been sunny for the past 2 days, so I think I'll continue along with the chapters. Yes, weather does affect people's mood. 6% of people have some form of Seasonal Affective Disorder. That just means your moods are affected by the weather. Omoshiroi de ne! (Interesting, isn't it?)

CHOCOLATE, STRAWBERRIES AND CREAMPUFFS?

(Orange-factor. YB x BR)

'…Vegetables are devious creatures which have manifested over the world and have possessed parents to force their children to undergo torture. Torture, which also goes under the alias of 'eating vegetables'. And now they have possessed my yadonushi…memo to self: Must exorcise the boy…'

My host, my hikari, the boy too innocent for his own good, the albino upon first inspection, Ryou-chan, 'uke-chan', whichever you would like to call 'Bakura Ryou' is going vegan? I, the notably most famous tomb robber in 3000 years, am not going to eat like a rabbit. Being close enough to human, which are on the top of the food chain, and they are for a good reason. A reason that was NOT from eating vegetables. I going to have to make my hikari see that point. Being vegan…was being limited to…well, vegetables mostly. No meat, no eggs, no cheese, no milk…no cream. Therefore, no creampuffs. Ah, the almighty and talented tomb robber has an idea and strikes again.

The plan in the said tomb robber wasn't necessarily an orthodox one. If you are anything like his host, Bakura Ryou, think of it like general maths. In order from Point A to Point B, you're going to have to use formulas and etcetera, instead, substitute the formulas with a little bait. If you _play_ a bit with the bait and add a personal touch to it, you just might finder your hikari falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Okay, that might have an element of fishing in it, but there was enough maths for Ryou and other like-minded personnel to comprehend.

"I'm home." setting his bag down and unpacking neatly in his bedroom, he, Ryou Bakura drew out a recipe booklet much like guns from western movies, "Hungry Bakura?"

Sliding stealthily from the doorway, he folded his arms across his chest, which drew the eye to notice a certain attribute to his shirt. His shirt, although an unexceptional blue colour, had small buttons with trailed down the centre of his chest…and those buttons were undone at the top. Many buttons were undone. Unnecessarily so.

Directing a gaze that trickled down his yadonushi's body, swallowing every detail, or otherwise, Bakura was openly checking out his host. He decided against subtlety for the following reasons, Bakura knew that Ryou was as naïve as they come, and he'd like to view Ryou reaction to his open 'interest' in him. Here we go; the naïveté tenshi turns around to catch the insatiable tomb robber checking him out. Will it be the 'cover up, even though you're wearing clothes' or the 'inconspicuously hide behind the couch'?

"Have I got something on my face?"

What? Ryou! I'm not looking at your face; shall I focus my sight so even you get the picture? Stooping down, he made it EXTREMELY obvious that he was NOT looking at his face but rather, his cohort down stairs. Feeling the boy step away and look down to the assigned area, Bakura felt a breakthrough coming along.

"Why are you looking at me like I'm…"

Say it, damn you. Aww, he's blushing, isn't that cute? About time, Ryou. Looks like your father couldn't protect you forever.

"Guess what I bought for you on the way home?" Of course, I don't say this with my usual gruff tone but slow and heavily, if it were possible, sort of like verbal crème Chantilly.

"What did you buy?" I'm a great tomb robber and I do many interesting things that are included in the job description, like going to the local bakery, although that is not one of them, but that isn't the point. The point was that Ryou, my currently elated lighter half, hopped off the couch excitedly and attempted to steal a look at the package behind my back. Sorry, anything to do with stealing is my in my Realm and unfortunately, Ryou, not yours. Otherwise, he was energetic and excited. Great.

"Lindt dark chocolate, strawberries and your favourite, creampuff with summer fruits and double toffee coating. You _want_ it, don't you, Ryou?" Waving it teasingly, I was surprised that he didn't feel as awkward as I thought I would. It wasn't everyday that I 'flirted' or 'aroused' my hikari openly to get what I want.

"Strawberries!!" Diving head first for the fruit currently safe and uneaten in my hands, they'd soon be lodging in his stomach after a while, that is…

Correction. If I didn't move, they _would_ be lodging in his stomach; Re, was I glad to feel the sinews working properly as they once did in Egypt. Luckily, spirits don't deteriorate like normal corpses. But _if_ that had, and thankfully not, a 3000 year old spirit was not going to win any Miss Universe awards any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I won't be winning any of _those_ awards any time soon either, as a very masculine male I am. Back to my not-so-masculine hikari. Cradling Ryou, who was trying to worm away in vain from my half-embrace, I expertly threw him into a wall. Watching him wince as his head crashed into the wall, I assume that he was surprised that I did so, judging by his quickened breath and widened eyes and all. It had been so long since I had done something like that, when I mistreated him. But I would presume that he was even more stunned when wet and deliciously warm sensation would be felt at his neck.

Fun, isn't it Ryou? How much can you stand without pulling away or making a sound?

"Bakura," the boy whines, "that tickles! Sto-op it…" He continues to giggle like crazy and doubled up in hysterics as I discover an area where he was particularly ticklish.

I find myself twitching for the second time today. First, there was the 'is there something on my face?' incident and now, 'it tickles'? I'm going to have to watch the twitching.

"You have no idea what's happening do you?"

"You're tongue is tickling me," he laughs. I do not share the same humour as he does, since he finds the mundane to be funny. I do not find this to be amusing. "And I just stole your strawberries." And he stole the strawberries. This makes my day. The greatest tomb robber in all history is losing his touch? I twitch without control and have had the witless hikari steal my strawberries? What is the world coming to?

Laughing as he ran to the kitchen and quickly cleaned the luscious red fruit and started biting into one and enjoying the wrathless aura of the warm kitchen, until I come into the kitchen with a smirk.

"You stole them off me?"

"Ye-es? I have been spending way too much time around you. By the way, I challenge you to a chubby-bubby contest!"

"Bubby contest? What the," but I stop right there, due to my hikari's warning glare. I've heard so many times, 'language, language' he would titter. I'm not even allowed mild expletives; I'm not even allowed to say the word 'hell' if he could help it. My naïve hikari, I grumble, has yet to learn decent language skills.

"Chubby-bubby, two words with a hyphen in between. I put one strawberry in my mouth, and say 'chubby bubby' then you put two in your mouth, say 'chubby bubby', then I try beat you. Whoever has the most in their mouth and CAN say 'chubby bubby', wins."

"You are extremely childish, yadonushi."

"So you're not playing?"

"The…something…I'm not. Of course I am!"

Popping the smallest strawberry in his mouth, Ryou maintained a straight face and said 'chubby bubby'. This game doesn't look all that hard and it has food involved; and I am much in the mood for a game. Re, I sound so much like that…other duellist…when I say that. Watch your mouth, master tomb robber. Re, I sound like Ryou when I say _that_. Ra damn it all, they've cramped my style.

"…5 chubby bubbies." Stuffing another strawberry into his mouth, I had no idea that so many strawberries could fit into his mouth. What did my hikari do in his spare time? Let's not let my mind wander there.

"…seban sharby bubbies." He might be able to fit 5 strawberries into _his_ mouth, but let's see whether he's skilful enough to keep up with me.

Attempting to maintain a straight face, I watch my hikari go a strawberry tone in face; and eventually he gives in…and choked. Coughing the mushy strawberries into his hands, he discreetly finished them off.

"You win." Let that be a lesson to you. Unless you want to lose, don't challenge the Great Tomb Robber to any contests.

"Don't that get to your head, Bakura." Too late, it already has! I am the greatest! Too bad, Ryou, I scoff. I am _so_ going to celebrate and you _can't_ stop me…

Reminded of the 'seafood' stunt, I spit the messy pink splodge and gave the boy a good look, before _putting it back into my own mouth_.

"That's gross!" It was supposed to be, my easily disgusted hikari. 7 strawberries stuffed in one's mouth, half chewed, slobbered over, and shown to a hikari is not intended to be a pretty sight.

"You're not the only one who can be childish."

"You're…fine then. But guess what? I am going to now teach you table manners."

"I didn't know you were funny, guess you learn something new everyday."

"I'm not being funny. I'm serious!"

My host is being serious? My host…is teaching me table manners? Severe déjà vu going on here, not that I was ever taught 'table manner's ever in my thieving career, but I know a threat whenever I hear one. And hearing my yadonushi say 'teach me table manners' is more threat than anything else. Damn, if this was revenge for the 'seafood' stunt, he was good at whipping up revenge. I _would_ be proud of him if sentiments of disgust and disbelief weren't already occupying the emotion centre.

"If you're teaching me table manners, I'm going to teach you how to become a good thief." No use persuading my stubborn hikari, but I'll let him onto the art of thievery. Maybe then, his version of table manners will be rendered obsolete and that'll never hear those frightening 5 words ever again.

"I'm going out, Bakura. Look after the house, can you?"

Can a Pharaoh be frustrating? What kind of question was that? Of course, the Pharaoh can be irritating and, Re give me patience, I _can_ look after a house.

3 hours, 12 minutes, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49 seconds…

The Great Tomb Robber is watching the clock and counting seconds.

The Great Tomb Robber is bored.

The Great Tomb Robber will now muse.

'If they can be beaten, arrange for them to be beaten." Of course, if you have an ego too large for your capabilities, you may have to bluff in order to escape from the dilemma in one piece. You may choose to call your bluff by the ever so popular 'Move and I'll knife your friend' or if you wish to demonstrate your superiority (or have gone insane and are lacking weapons) you may smirk. Yes, smirk. Do not ever underestimate the smirk. A good, natural but fear-inspiring smirk has been one of the main tools of great tomb robbers, for if you smirk, you intimidate your enemy. Therefore, the smirk is an essential part of thief-ship.

So henceforth, I will teach Ryou, my naïve trainee, how to smirk. Wait, pause and rewind, did I say trainee? No, that'll not do, I correct myself, I will teach my naïve acolyte, Ryou, how to smirk. Trainee is such a vulgar term used specifically for those incompetent fast-food joint rookies. No, what I am about to teach is nothing as frivolous as the perkily annoying manner of the cheery 'How may I help you?" Ryou, my newly instated acolyte, you will learn the first steps to tomb-robber-ship: How to Smirk.

Let's test out a theory. Of course, you may cringe and/or immediately reach for your mobile phone and call the pathetic excuse your country has for an 'Army', 'Air force' or 'Navy'. Or all three if I am particularly…playful…on that occasion. Rest assured, I occasionally do have moments where my mind has been overridden by my Hikari, and that my thoughts or ideas do not include blood, stealing, maniacal laughter, jumping in front of motorcycles, soul infusing, bodily harm, Shadow Realms, mental harm or any other harm of any sort for that matter. But back to my example, I might want to tell you that, never mind, Ryou has just come home. About time too.

"I'm home," Yes, Ryou. I heard you open the door. Can you blame me? I am tomb robber, I must have acute senses for maximising my chance for escape, "Are you hungry? Do you want lentil stew or the marinated tofu?"

Am I hungry? Has the thought of me being a spirit ever occurred to him? Not that it really matters. I like to eat. It's… fascinating. Especially the way my Hikari walks out of the room whenever we, or just I, have steak. It is fun to watch strands of raw muscle separate and watch globules of congealed blood drip onto the freshly cleaned table. I also like to scribe all sorts of homicidal oaths in the messy puddle. But enough of my eating habits, shall we move on to my Hikari's recent arrival? Not that you have any choice, of course.

"Whatever you like, Yadonushi," smirking as I imitate Ryou's distinct 'sweet' voice, "I don't mind." Reaching the climax of the smirk, depending if you really feel like it or how skilled you are in smirking, you may straighten your posture round about now and maybe discreetly tiptoe while you were at it. That is 'increasing your body size to achieve the dominating stance'.

"What?" My Hikari is surprised, why? This isn't the way it's supposed to go. Sometimes, in your unorthodox career, you may encounter those who do not recognise the frighteningly dominant aura trying to engulf them. Ryou, being as naïve as they come, primary school children included, is one of them. Listen up, Ryou, listen to the menacingly overly sweet voice of yours coming out of the mouth of your masochistic-sadistic yami. You should be beginning to cower in fear to my plotting scheme that should be apparent in my dangerously sweet voice. You should be backing into the wall and trying to run away. You should be afraid. Be afraid, your scheming yami is carrying out his sinister plans of manipulation.

"You're letting me choose! That's so sweet," he cooed as he does that monstrous action called 'glomping', "Thank-you." Wait! He cooed? What? Hey! My Hikari gave me a, a, a…kiss on the cheek? What? Ew. That so, so, so… disgusting… ly …sweet? That's my stance! I'm supposed to be dangerously sweet as to scare that idiotic Pharaoh, dare I consider his name important enough to type upon this screen? No, pathetic Pharaoh. His name shall be unknown, worthless creature, wretched excuse of a handsomely bronzed pharaoh…No! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Erm, yes, his name _isn't_ important.

"Why are you blushing?" Breaking my odd daydream about…daydream? I would like to make it clear to the audience that: I DO NOT DAYDREAM. Especially about idiotic Pharaohs.

"I am NOT blushing," I say, articulating every syllable in what I hope was a 'say-that-again-and-I-will-kill-you' voice.

"…of course not. I think I want some more of that lentil stew. I bought bread from the new bakery!"

Wonderful. We're having some more of his 'food'. I say 'food' in the loosest sense, in a respective light; it resembles nothing more than pellet shaped bits of Lego™ mixed around something with the consistency of Clag Paste™. Looking on the bright side, as an extreme optimist I am, at least we have bread. Hopefully, it'll be the type with the bacon, cheese, onion, mushroom and herb one my Hikari sometimes buys. Of course, the first time Ryou bought it for me, there were vegetables on it, as an attempt to get me to succumb to the scheming vegetables. But, as persistent as I am, after I'm through with it, there'll be little cubes of capsicum and other whatnot in the bottom of the cheesy-scented plastic bag. But alas, there was no such thing, just plain fare of some abnormally round loaf of bread. And it wasn't even flat…

I will admit now that the oddly shaped loaf was quite nice, it was lighter than the usual kind of bread. With hindsight, why am I talking about bread? Out of all the things I _could_ talk about, it just _had_ to be bread…

"Bakura. Relax, no one is going to steal your food. Only you do that," my hikari says. Why would he say that? It's not like my eating habits, which consist of eating a chunk of everything at one time and giving everyone a think over before allowing them _anywhere_ within 2 metres of my food and I. Or the habitual glaring at the kitchen sink or at the backdoor, or even the hunched posture of one protecting his food was going any impression that I was expecting some hostile group to appear and take advantage of a busy tomb-robber and assault him and his food now and then, right? Maybe I was being territorial or my tomb robber instincts were kicking in, as old habits die hard, but there was always the chance of someone so stupid as to not to know that I, the Greatest Tomb Robber In All History, will eviscerate those who trespass over my food.

"Yami, I'm hardly likely going to steal your bread." Yes, I am being territorial over bread, and if you want to make something out of that, and when I finished with you, what is left would be a disgusting spreadable mush between two crackers. Raising an eyebrow in a way as to enquire further from my host, I quickly finished off the last of the strange but filling bread.

"Have you ever paid attention to table manners?"

That. Was. Uncalled. For. It was as blunt as my hikari gets, in any case. Was he saying I ate messily? I am not taking offence, no, I didn't get to be me by being thin-skinned. How could I have been so careless as to remind him of the table manners incident? Demonstrating a facial expression half way between annoyance and amusement, I earned a gentle sigh from by now-converted-vegan hikari.

"Ryou," I start, "Do you like seafood?" Speaking table manners, this has a far drawn link with it. If he can mention the table manners thing twice in one day, chances are I can pull this of twice in one day too.

"Ye-es. Why?" Poor confused Ryou. He was weak, submissive, perfect target the petty. That was why he needed me, the young dashing King Of Theives. Note to self: Instead of reading Ryou's childhood fairytales, do something productive and go rob Kaiba's manor instead.

Opening my mouth, I gave my hikari a scenic view of my teeth, throat and contents before swallowing and laughing maniacally to the bathroom. You'd think I would be extremely mature by now, but you thought wrong. Childish muchly? Did I just say 'muchly'? Despite my protesting mind, I think I did. Memo to self: (Again) Teach Ryou some decent, or indecent, depending how you look on it, language. Language is a great thing, I use it all the time to taunt and threaten people. Regardless of what schools teach nowadays, the knowledge of rudimentary cussing and swearing is a practical and fundamental point of one's normal life.

Take one man for instance, I cannot recall his name but like that Pharaoh, whose name is not significant enough to be mentioned, had lacked the language skills of a street-skilled persona and so therefore, had the supreme misfortune of never learning any useful 'swear' words. So, he had resorted to insulting others by calling them common objects of the household. Personally, I do not think the insult 'You toothbrush' would flare anyone's temper; in fact, the result would be much the contrary.

Yes, my yadonushi must learn some good taunts or threats to use in self-defence, and learning the art of thievery would be a good idea. One, he could defend himself. See? I am a caring yami. He and I could also have a good time terrorising the city, though I'm not sure whether we would agree. After have mulled over this for a short while, I, the King Of Thieves, have decided to teach my hikari the intricate art of thievery.

Stealthily appearing beside his bedside, I used my metaphysical hands to shelter the soft golden light emitted from the Millennium Ring. He looks, if one must lack originality, angelic, with an ash grey line of streetlamp light sweeping across his face. Not that I actually thought the boy was beautiful, no, not in that sense, but generally, he was. He was pretty to say the least, and innocent, plus all the virtues I lacked a few millennia ago…but there was no denying that he was feminine. Ah well, where that streak of admiration or compassion came from I don't really care, just as long as it doesn't happen when he's conscious, then I don't mind, but if am to stay by my word of education, here goes nothing.

"Ryou…"

He cracks open an eyelid and closes it immediately due to the exceedingly bright glare from outside, and reluctantly forces himself awake. Of course, what sort of yami would I be if I didn't help him? I cradle him in my arms and stoked his soft hair. Have I ever mentioned how beautiful the boy was? I have, haven't I? I hold his shaking shoulders and draw him closer. His body heat is radiating from his body rapidly; I've always thought that he was just a heater. But enough of my over-romantic, maudlin, syrupy thoughts for my Light, I stick to my word and if I imply that I'm not going to expose him to my admiration and compassion for him, then it'll stay that way. Shaking him violently, he jerks back into full consciousness and cries 'stop' when his head snapped back and forth in a painful manner. He attempts to focus his mahogany brown eyes onto my face. He has pretty eyes.

"Yami? It's 3…3 something in the morning, why did you wake me up? I want to go to sleep…"

"Ryou-kun, from now on you will refer to me as Bakura-sama or Bakura-senpai, as I am your new master. You will do my bidding without questions and listen when I speak. Any questions?"

"Are…are you going to cut me again?" Cut him? Since when have I…I remember now. Did he really have to bring that up again? I-I-have been spending an excessive amount of time with my Hikari and have gained a partial understanding for morals. At least, enough understanding to feel guilty when I hurt my Hikari, but other people? No, as far as I'm concerned, everybody may be culled for our Gods just as long as no one tells my Hikari and makes him cry. I _hate_, absolutely _hate_, to see him cry. It…angers me. Just to see him so helpless, I like to see that he has choice. Gives him some control. I like control.

"Do you want me to cut you?" It was a perfectly plausible question. I am giving him choice.

"No," he says quickly, "It's just that, that…" he mutters inaudibly. Even to my ears it's inaudible. More of a whimper. I hate it when he does that. He needs to learn confidence, I don't like it when people intimidate on him and I don't like it when he feels scared, anymore. Enough ramblings of a morals-tormented mind of an at least 3000-year-old spirit of a tomb robber, shall I debrief the situation to my charge?

"Never mind what you call me, I don't care. But guess what? I'm going to teach you how to be a thief."

"What?!" Why is that his initial expression? Why do I detect a lack of appreciation? Thievery isn't bad. There's nothing wrong with thievery, despite the much over-rated television shows my hikari, I assume, likes watching. Shows like CSI, CSI Miami, SVU, SVU Special units and other forensics-related crime shows. Not that I mind the modern technology and their cued lines of logic, but it is plainly…well, inaccurate. Hearing this from me could also be inaccurate, since I AM a thief and all and just MIGHT be biased. But at least I CAN speak from experience. Thievery is not bad.

Smirk, Ryou. _Smirk_. I have been repeating myself for the past hour and my metaphysical throat is becoming parched. It isn't that difficult, to smirk is it? Why? Why, Ryou? Why much you _smile_ feebly in an attempt.

"Smirk, Ryou. Smirk. Ryou, please, just smirk, please…okay…I'll teach you something else."

Mu-ahaha, Ryou. Laugh evilly. Accentuate the 'ha' with everybreath you take for maximum effect. Cackle, even. None of that horrible giggling. It feels like a whole colony of robins, other cute birds have taken a liking to inside my mind, and bred a billion chirpy clones and all have started to titter loudly inside my head. At moments like these, I truly do exercise my will and resist wrapping my hands around his skinny white neck and throttling the hell out him before drowning him in the nearest wash basin.

"Yamete! Stop EVERYTHING! Don't smirk, don't cackle, and don't do anything. Please don't do anything. Really, Ryou, stop. N-o-o-o…STOP!! I'll stop teaching you! Just stop!"

My hikari is torturing me. I am not going to elaborate with sentences full of laced threats or anything else. Just the simple sentence. That, describes the experience avidly. It was simple torture. There was no emotion, no devices. Just simple torture. Simple torture simply deserves a simple sentence. Simple.

"Muahaha! Had enough Bakura?" Was that HIS lip twitching upwards in a half sadistic fashion? If I hadn't had known him so well, so had so much experience in smirking, I would failed to register that spasmodic twitch as a smirk. He cackles! He smirks! All at the price of a tortured yami…my hikari is sadistic. Damn, I don't like him anymore. Hell, am I kidding myself or what? I _love_ the boy! He makes me feel SO proud!

How to smirk: Successful. Ryou is an apt smirker, he is progressing quickly, and it would be recommended that he practice in the field. Next lesson, I suggest we go to Yuugi's house and pay him a little visit. For our own reasons, I think we can both look forward to that.

TBC.

A/N: 4, 600 words approximately. Not much editing has been done, but satisfactory. Prolong the shelf life of my good mood and review, onegai?


	3. One Thief To Go And Would You Like Fries...

ONE THIEF TO GO, D'YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

Disclaimer: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I do not own YGO.

A/N: Never mind what the audience and their opinion, seeing as if I did wait, I'd be stuck at hotmail for aeons. So, darkshipping will be further implied. Darkshipping is the BakuraYami pairing. I'm not suggesting who is 'seme' or 'uke', because it doesn't work, so they're both 'in between'. I have other chapters written already, just need a check.

Be nice and reward this author will some praise or virtual goodies and _review_. No pressure, just review.

ONE THIEF TO GO, D'YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

I am nervous? I am anxious?

Choices, choices. According my dictionary, they are similar but to a certain extent, the same, but I guess both are apt descriptions to what I am feeling right now. Not quite the nervous people talk about before the Maths Exam or the anxious people feel when being stalked on a dark foggy night or leaving yami at home when there's a kitchen knife door-to-door salesperson lurking about. But you get my point don't you?

Maybe not, assuming you don't have a yami like my own or live in a city that has had strange storms, virtual villains with green hair, scary card stealers that wear purple robes, Millennium Eyes or anything to do with Ancient Egyptian artefacts. Yes, amidst all the chaos and Shadow magic, I have lived a moderately normal life. Here, 'normal' is a comparative term.

I'm 16, turning 17 in September, and go to Domino High School. My father works as an archaeologist, specialising in Egypt, he was also the one brought back the Ring as a souvenir. The Ring as a souvenir? Yes, that was what it was at first, before I started hearing voices. I did think I was crazy, how many sane people do you know hear voices?

Anyhow, the Ring is a sort of lodging for the immodest spiky white-haired thief that believes that he is/was the greatest thief in all history and is the 'Darkness', but feel free to call him Bakura. My friends, including the owner of the Puzzle, which everybody just calls Yuugi, have been through all sorts of things whilst I stayed at home. But don't worry, that doesn't mean I haven't been through my share of the strange and paranormal. I live with my yami, don't I?

Today was one of per mentioned 'normal days'. I wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, eat and spend the day doing whatever I like after I do my homework. It was normal until after rearranging my desk when my yami suggested that we go to Yami's house. Since when did my yami and Yuugi's yami get along without bloodshed, abnormal rate of people falling into comas or other mysterious happenings? Like I said before, my day was normal before I heard this.

"Why?"

"I am bored, and you need fresh air."

"I need fresh air? I'm not a pot plant, Bakura."

"Talk to your friends, they haven't seen you for a long time."

"I saw them last week."

"Don't you want to talk to them? Did you have a fight?"

"No," since when was my yami concerned about the well being of my social life? "Fine. I'll go."

Ah, right. My yami is getting smarter at these negotiation procedures, or is it me letting my guard down? Whichever, it doesn't make a difference. I am still going to 'The Pharaoh's house'.

"I don't think we should go now. They're in all probability having lunch."

"Trust me; I know what I'm doing."

That's about as reassuring as handing a sharp knife to pathological lying psychopath as you get him to take solemn oath not to kill you. Would you believe someone if they said they were a pathological liar? That has nothing to do with the point but I guess I do kind of ramble off if I'm worried, anxious or nervous. Walking along side my yami, I notice that he tends to wear the same garments as I do.

Association by outfits, maybe.

Nonetheless, he gestures me to cross the busy street at the right time not as to leave me behind. I'm almost 17 and need to be consented to be able to cross a street? Embarrassing, I know, but Bakura _does_ like to be in control. I do whatever keeps him happy. Seeing the Kame Game Shop, I see my yami glance up and _somehow_ know he's plotting something. He may be able to hold me at bay from his Soul Room, but I _live_ with that Tomb Robber. I think I _would_ have picked something up that way. Well, at least I can usually sense when someone is going to find themselves in the Shadow Realm or when something mysteriously 'goes missing'…but then, _maybe_ it's the giant SMIRK plastered across his face that gives it away.

"Yuugi!" my yami calls, his voice intermingling with the bells perched above the door. I really do hope they aren't busy; it would be so inconvenient for them if we came during their lunchtime.

"Ittarrashai! Bakura-kun! We're just having lunch, come join us." That's Yuugi. The owner of the Sennen Puzzle. He also has a yami, called Yami, but he isn't as crazy as mine is. For one, he doesn't participate in theoretical ban-the-vegetable rallies. Yami, when set up for dates and etcetera, _could_ stand outside parks and be a sitting stand for pigeons. Or he could start yelling at a piece of gold and wave his arms at it before getting the message the general public is sending him via raised eyebrows and gaping mouths that he's 'Not Quite Right' but apart from that…I'd say he'd be the most sane out of all the yamis.

"Sorry Yuugi, but my yami _insisted_ that we come now." He did. Not that he actually wheedled with me, no, never has and never will. But when he mentions something that he would like to be done, chances are that if you do it, he won't have to use force. Forceful yamis are never a good thing.

"Your yami? Where is—that's right, he doesn't get along well with my yami, does he?"

"He…he was here a moment ago." Looking around, the shop was empty, apart from a counter, glass display cases, posters, boxes, cards and two puzzled students.

Now Ryou, smirk. I'm just testing you. You did it so well last time

/You just brought me here to scare Yuugi? Where are you? /

Somewhere else. And yes, we came here to more or less scare Yuugi, and we're not leaving until you do

/Bakura! Fine…just once. /

"Wakatta…why are you…you're not the normal Bakura are you? You're the Dark Duellist!"

"Muah-a-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

…Am I _really_ THAT melodramatic?

"Yami!," he calls. Yami is very reliable, unlike Bakura. He actually appears before Yuugi at the slightest mention of trouble, whereas mine would only appear at inopportune moments or when I'm in serious trouble and then could be able to send whichever person was threatening me to the Shadow Realm, "Mou hitori no Bakura, what have you done to Yami? I can't get him through our link!"

/Bakura! What have you done to Yami? I thought we were just here to scare Yuugi. You didn't hurt Yami did you? /

Yami? He's a little…_busy_ at the moment

/What am I going to say to Yuugi? /

Anything you like

"We'll just say that, Yami is…busy."

"You're the normal Bakura."

I was never a rebel or had any punk-ish attitude and never will be, but have you heard desperate times call for desperate measures? I cannot believe I am actually going to say this in such a manner, but here goes nothing.

"Decided yet?" I say in a manner most unlike myself. Cocky, I believe that would be an apt description. Bakura-like, would also be an apt description. But then, 'Bakura-like' and 'cocky' are synonymous.

"You _are_ the normal Bakura, aren't you?"

Yadonushi! I say _Pharaoh_! I never say 'Yami'. And I thought you were observant.

"Gomenasai, my yami wouldn't let me leave without tricking you."

"Where is Yami?"

"I…don't know. Gomen."

"That…was strange. Do you want to have lunch here? Jii-chan is expecting everybody over today so we have heaps of food."

Lucky. We're not interfering with anything after all… Wait a moment, food?

/Bakura. You came here for the food, didn't you? /

Why would I do that? This is a coincidence. A pleasant surprise…

How would my yami how that a get together would be happening? I never heard anything…just how would _my yami_ know? Could it be?

/…are you stalking them?/

An explosion of laughter was sent across the link, making me jump and receive an odd stare from Yuugi.

"Yuugi!"

"I think Anzu and everyone is at the door."

"Tell them to come in."

How far can 'coincidence' go before it is labelled as conspiracy? My yami doesn't like my meatless cooking, and takes me to yuugi's house when they are having lunch which would probably meat in it, that is _not_ coincidence.

"Yadonushi…I'm tired. Can we stay here?"

/You _knew_ that they were having lunch; you didn't bring me here to scare Yuugi at all/

I don't know what you're talking about.

/Innocent doesn't work for you. Spit it out, what did you do to Yami?/

Calm down, not like you at all to have so much attitude. Yami, is fine.

/Define 'fine'/

"Ask him for yourself."

"Gah." I do something between a 'meep' and 'gurgle'. Hmm, what would that be called? A 'geep' or 'murgle'? Nonetheless, I had 'gah-ed' at the fact that Yami had almost materialized in front of me, along with my cocky yami. Both 'alive', as far as physical forms of spirits go, and unscathed.

"Yami! Are-are you hurt?" What did my yami do? If he played Shadow game with Yuugi's yami again…

"_Anshinshiro_…_daijoboudatta_…"

"_Yokatta_."

"Oi, _yadonushi_, aren't you going to ask whether YOUR yami whether he's fine?"

"Bakura. You're as stubbornly reoccurring as that ant problem we have. Clean up after your midnight snack, will you?"

"A simple 'no, you seem alive' would have sufficed…" My yami pouted. Pouted? Please don't tell him I said that.

YOU WILL NOT TELL HIM I SAID THAT.

Gomen, I'm turning into my yami. Spending too much time inside an apartment with your yami tends to do something like that to you.

"_Ikuze_!"

"_Minna! Chotto Mate!_"

The excited aura dissipates slightly as the group is halted as they madly rush for the door after lunch. Lunch to which Bakura enjoyed immensely. He seemed very reluctant to allow anybody else to touch the beef, but as always, no one said anything. There was nothing to say. If my yami hunched over something and watched every move everyone else made and regards you with a suspicious glower, chances were that if you attempted to take whatever he so possessively guarding, you'd end up in the Shadow Realm faster than you say 'Please share'.

"Anzu…what is it?" asks Jounouchi. Jounouchi, usually just called 'Jou', although doesn't own a Sennen Item, still has gone through his share of the paranormal. Speaking of 'not quite normal', everybody is free today. That's why they're all here to eat lunch then go to the movies.

"Since everybody is here; I'd like to make an announcement," That's Anzu. She was Yuugi's best friend since kindergarten and I think they get along together. I think she _likes_ him. "I'm starting a new club at school. It's Pilate's, it'll be fun, and there'll be music. It's good for you and makes you fit. Makes you more flexible and helps you think and organise your thought after the long day. It'll be completely run by students. So, I was wondering who wanted …wants to join up, and become the first member. Anyone?"

"Sugoi! Ne, Anzu-chan, I want to be your first member!" said Shizuka. Shizuka is Jou's sister; she's from America and speaks English and Japanese just like I do. I don't know much about her, apart from the fact that she was on the Battle City blimp with us. I just met her after Jou told me that Alcatraz was going to explode. She also joined me in my eating spree after I woke up in a strange bed. The crackers were very nice, Kaiba has good taste. But…back to the topic.

"If Shizuka-chan you will do it, I'd wouldn't want her to be alone…so I want to do it too!" That's Honda. He was also on the Battle City Blimp.

"Mou, Honda-kun," Otogi whines, "Shizuka needs to be shown around the school so she doesn't feel lost. I used to be new; I would now how she feels. So, I'm signing up too!" Otogi, is the creator of Dungeon Dice. According to Jou, he used to be one evil 'dude', but when Yami defeated him at his own game, he…changed. He became nicer and was part of their friendship group ever since. Yami's defeated Bakura at his games of Shadow Game, why doesn't he change? He _could_ be nicer…and not complain when I tell him to eat his vegetables.

"Guys! My sister will be fine! I think I'll do it too." Jou wants to do it too? Who would have known? Guess duelling was good for him, on so many levels, too.

"Jou! You too!" Anzu goes over, hugs Jou, and messes his hair up. It's somewhat funny watching them, especially Jou's expression.

"Yeah," he agrees, "Just to watch over those two." He mutters.

Ah, there was a catch after all.

"Yuugi? Signing up? I'm sure you know how stressed you feel before a tournament, it could really help you."

Yuugi feels stress? Who would have known?

"Ano…"

"Please."

"…Okay."

"THANK YOU SO MUCH!! With you joining others will want to join too!"

"What am I? Am-am I advertising project of yours?"

"Gomen," she says good-humouredly. "Guys and girls will join if you're in it…girls will join… Ryou! Want to do Pilate's?"

Me? Come to think of it, yes…

Don't you dare

Why, yami? HEY!!!!

There's simply no stopping him. I rest in my Soul Room as he repossesses my body.

"We have something else to do." He mutters and stomps out of Yuugi's house.

/Bakura! You were being rude/

"As opposed to what?"

/…/

"Not talking to me are you? Take your body back, I'm making my own. Again."

Making his own body, you wonder? It's a new ability of his. He tried to explain it to me. Being a spirit and supported by Shadow Magic, he can create a physical body and do anything I can. Just not permanently, as much as he'd like to deny it, I think it wears him out.

"Yami? Where are we going?"

"Not 'yami', BA-KU-RA."

"Where are we going?"

"Gym."

The ever so gruff attitude of my ya…of Bakura.

"Why are we going to the gym?"

"And why do you ask so many questions?"

Do I? I don't think I ask many questions. Just what is necessary. See, what would be necessary? Breathing, for obvious reasons…although that reason seems to be forgotten every time Mai sees Jou. Drinking is important, water that is, not whatever my yami has in mind. Becoming a tomb robber truly does amend your way of reasoning. Studying for tests, that is crucial. If you don't study and refresh your knowledge, then what you've learnt will become bunk during the test. Then, after you sit around in the exam, swirling your pen as some do, you're going to fail the test. Then if you fail the test, then people think you're stupid, and if people think you're stupid, you'll never get a job. That is why studying is crucial. Despite my logical philosophy, Jou and Honda always seem to find a reason to why they maintain their studying streak of 'only study the few seconds before an exam'.

What wouldn't be a necessity would be my yami taking me to the gym. Of course, one needs to be reasonably fit to live a productive life, but… I… don't like sport that much. And that's true. I don't have a strong opinion of sport, or enjoy it as much as Jou does. I lack coordination, my yami says…but then, if I had gracefully leaped down 10 metres and not broken and bones, then I guess that would be extraordinary for me. But taking me to the gym would be completely out of the ordinary, too. Ordinarily, I'd avoid such places.

"Here we are."

"Ah…Bakura…don't you think the gym will over exhaust your body?"

"What was that?" he asks ever-so-sweetly. Whenever he does that, you have to watch yourself. One wrong move and you'd suddenly find yourself heading to the Shadow Realm. No return flight either.

"What are we doing here?"

"You lack coordination, strength, flexibility, muscular endurance, cardiovascular fitness…"

"You could have just said 'unfit'. I don't need those things to such a degree, not like I'm going to be you or anything like that. Right?"

"Wrong. Have you forgotten that I was going to teach you the trades of being a great thief?"

"But…but…"

"Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once. Flexibility is important."

Flexibility is important? Sounds like something Anzu would say, and she does dancing. I have severe doubts that Bakura would do dancing as well. Amusing image though.

Stop that thought right there,my yami warned. Watch.

Where? All I see is bars, blue mats and my yami standing on a mat. Just what is he going to do? Somersault? I'm _not_ that bad. Believe it or not, I _can_ somersault.

Ra.

My…yami…can…BACKFLIP and all those fancy flipping things. Oh Ra. If anyone comes along and waves a hand in front of my face and if I don't respond, do you think they'll get the message that I have seem my yami do a triple flip and land with the grace of a…tomb robber?

"SUGOI!!"

Ahhhh!!!!

/YAMI! /

"Ryou-chan! Come to watch me? How sweet… why didn't you tell me you had a brother? He's so good at gymnastics; do you think you can arrange for him to teach us? Onegai?"

Wha-? Who?

"Eeto…"

"Ryou? What's going on?"

/Take your time why don't you?/

"Ah…"

"SUGOI!! You're Ryou's brother, right? You're so cute!!!!!"

I give her 3 minutes until she is sent to the Shadow Realm. Of course, if my yami twitches like that, always deduct a minute, and you'll be fine. Well, not really, not if you're the one angering him. You don't want to do that. Trust me on this one.

"…Yes…"

You…baka! Now she'll think you agreed to the cute factor. You are going to figuratively die.

"Ah," I croak, "_Nii-chan_, I think we need to…Ack!"

Hey! What's the deal going on here? I go to the gym, Bakura backflips, girls glomp me and now I have a brother who is pulling me out of the gym by the collar of my shirt?!?! The 'dragging-out-by-collar' I can understand, the rest…is incomprehensible. What is more incomprehensible is that when several girls have caught me on their radar, they aren't glomping me, but my yami… and they're still…alive, basically.

"My name's Tomo and this is Chieko and that's Haruko over there and we think you're sweet! What's your name?"

Oh Ra. I'm being herded into a figurative corner by a bunch of my fangirls. I am going to die. I think I've started hyperventilating already. Oh Ra. I have, and I can't breathe! There's Bakura! Bakura is running… good thinking.

"Ahhhh!!!"

All or nothing. Fight or flight. Ryou Bakura running away from the sweet-to-the-point-of-scary fangirls.

And all this adds to my already long list to irregular aspects of a teen life. I wake up and start to think it's a normal day… UNTIL Bakura takes me to Yuugi's house and then runs away and then going to the gym, scaring the hell out of me (which in turn make me yami-less?) with those graceful and tomb robber-like flips and otherwise 'flexibility routine', then being glomped by sweet-to-the-point-of-scary fan girls and running…again. Great. And I thought today was going to be a normal day. They never anything like this would happen in the weather forecast.

We're running again, doesn't matter whether it's the mentioning of a Pilate's club or glomp-a-cidal fan girls. This adds to my 'normal' day, first I see the unfamiliar territory of gym looming, then the plastic blue mats and then…an artificial dam. Great. Makes my day. Really does.

"Bakura!"

Here we go again. Those fancy death-eluding tricks go out to show again. He leaps and what are the chances of him falling short about 2 metres and falling into the dam and then having to swim to the shore. Chances are highly…

Likely. That is, if I wasn't referring to the same body that had just done a triple flip into the gym 10 minutes ago.

"Hayaku, Ryou!"

What? He doesn't really expect _me_ to jump across THAT and not fall and break my neck whilst falling and not drown when I ungracefully fall into the water? Is he CRAZY?! Wait, yes he is. But then, I'm pretty sure I can make it. It's not that far. Humans have a defence mechanism that exaggerates the depth of certain things as to protect them from jumping down.

I'm sure this length and depth is just exaggerated in my segmented mind. Should be, in any case. And of course, that factor combined with the factor that a horde of high school girls are chasing me down the road… then that height and depth is going to be ignored my adrenaline pumped body.

What. The. Heck.

All this just means I'm going to jump.

"Ahh!!!"

That word seems to be all that's left of my vocab. The rest must have deserted me in fear of their hypothetical lives whilst I jump over the stretch if water, which may in turn, kills me. I'm JUMPING!?!

I'm getting to be as crazy as he is.

I'm going to make it!!

I am!

I am!

I am falling!

Curse you, GRAVITY!!!!

"Ahh!"

With hindsight that only comes after you can regret it, that defence mechanism is there for a very good reason! It prevents you from being stupid and minimises the chances of wilfully jumping off a cliff and killing yourself. Strictly speaking, I'm not jumping off a cliff, but I am still stupid enough to jump off something that will probably kill me.

"Bakura!!!!"

Baka! You knew you couldn't jump, take the bridge, you unobservant…

/Enough! I'm drowning!/

Something, such as the smooth glassy surface a fair way above my head, tells me I'm underwater. Something, such as the way my head feels like it's going to explode, tells me I'm not breathing air. Something, such as my wet jeans and waterlogged t-shirt, tells my I'm being pulled under.

Kick and direct yourself upwards, baka.

Kick? I can't! It-it's too cold! I don't know where my legs are and where upwards is…

What I'd do for my host…he thinks with the tone equivalent to a mutter.

"No, Ryou. Wake up, please. You can't leave me like this. You can't drown."

Listen to that. Disgusting. Wake up, will you.

/You do care after all./

No I don't, just wake up, she's giving me a headache

"I don't who you are, but I am going to take him home." My yami gruffly says. I never thought I'd use this word to describe him and mean it, but he's sweet at times.

"You can't do that! I heard that if you don't wake from unconsciousness, you die! We have to wake him up! He could die!"

"Wake him?"

"Yeah, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. If you feel awkward about it, since you're a guy and everything. I-I'll do it."

"Mouth-to-mouth? No thankyou, he's been through worse. He'll live." I don't think I want to wake up to the face of Tomo not 10 centimetres from my own…or my yami for that matter. If I had to choose, Bakura would be my choice. Not that I don't trust Tomo… but Bakura is more familiar to me. He's been that…close…to me before. Strangely, I don't mind. Embarrassing thought, actually.

"But-but…" whimpers Tomo. She's always like that. Very clingy, doesn't trust me if I'm by myself. Sort of like an annoying guardian angel. She's nice and all, but…

"He could die!" she screams. I think my ears are starting to hurt.

"I am not having any of you touch him. Do I make myself clear?"

Wake up Ryou. I mean it.

/I'm trying to! Just…/

"What are doing? Stop! Just what do you think you're…" Tomo screams. Now, if they didn't hurt then, my ear certainly throbs with a sort of dull pain now.

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Ryou! You-you…"

"Nii-chan?" I say. Of course, I don't normally attend any drama classes. Personally, I don't think I need to, having a yami and using acts to get away from potentially dangerous situations gives me all the practice I need. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a perpetual liar or anything like that, in fact, I hate to be. But lying or pretending to be/do something helps you avoid questions that you'd rather not answer.

"Ryou. We're going home."

I nod. I don't I could have walked by myself just yet. Not when I feel like I'm floating in a pool without water. That…would be an apt description. I think. I really don't know. It's just…just… I think I'm to black out again.

No, wait for it, no I'm not. It was just a small rest.

Just had to jump didn't you?

/I don't know/

Put something dry on, we're going shopping

"N-now?"

There's my yami again, gaining a solid appearance at an amazingly fast rate.

"You've been sleeping for a couple of hours now."

"Ha-have I? I thought…"

"Hnn, you also _thought_ that you could make that jump."

"_Mou, ii yo_… fine, we're going shopping…just…"

"Just what?" I involuntarily wince. Not that he's threatening me, but his voice is loud…and I have headache.

"…Just…could you push the shopping trolley?"

"That's all?"

I nod.

Not that I understood half the things that went on there. Just agree to whatever sounds like a question and you'll be fine. Or so, they'll stop talking and give my head a chance to stabilise itself. The world sounds like complete white noise, with the rushing of what I think would be blood in my ears and the absent minded droning hum in my head.

Absentmindedness. My shoes have worn out and lack shock absorption and I feel every step I take, whether it is through the sliding glass doors or through the immaculately clean white linoleum of a supermarket.

"Can I have soup tonight?" I ask my yami. Choices, choices, I find myself thinking. Now, where have I heard that before? Sounds somewhat familiar.

"Why are you asking me? It's your stomach that has to digest that stuff."

"Spicy ramen, vegetable soup, chicken and leek, pumpkin, tomato, minestrone, alphabet soup with noodles …" I'm not sure whether I'm reading the katakana more or the English. English would be the first choice, since it was my first language and all. But I live in Japan; do you think I've become accustomed to Japanese? Maybe a bit from column 'A' and a bit from column 'B'?

I don't think I'll have the spicy ramen, since I rarely do for a very good reason. We'll say… I don't have much of a tolerance for hot foods? It wasn't very spicy, according to my yami, when Jou heated some of that up for us… but that was my yami who commented on how pain was losing its charm. Scary, I know.

Vegetable soup? Reading the contents, I think it will go in the same category as the pumpkin and tomato soup. I'm not un-becoming vegan, don't worry about that. Wait, since when have I decided I was going to become vegan? Vegetarian, yes. Vegan? No. No, I don't think I will have any of those soups tonight.

Alphabet soup? Hmm… it could be good. Did you ever have alphabet soup as a kid and try spoon out letters of your name with your spoon?

Not vegan are you, Ryou?

"Hmm?"

Hurry up, just throw in that can of soup with squiggly letters in the trolley… it's been in your hand for so long it's starting to warm up in your hand.

"Ha-hai. Yami?"

_Bakura wa..doko ni iru?_

Soup, soup, soup, that's about the entire cache of what the boy is capable of thinking of. While he strains his brain figuring what he wants to eat this afternoon, I take advantage of the dazed boy to what I consider carry out my plan for desperate measure. Of course, where are you going to find me?

Meat department.

Where else, might I ask? Hiding a polystyrene tray of beef between the bag of oranges, paper towelling, a green fruit peeler and a matt black binder folder, I make my way back to the boy, who is still standing in front of a shelf, holding what I think has been the same can of soup for all the time I've been gone.

"What?" I ask. The boy has to consult me on soup; I swear (oath-wise, for once) that the boy wouldn't last one minute without me telling him what to do. He even asks me what socks to wear and whether he can take off his shoes after entering the apartment, a bit too much information by some standards, but it's true.

He looks at the trolley, which I had just wheeled back, along with some 'extras'. Of course, he doesn't have to know that an 'extra' included a tray of meat. So we'll just that between us? No else has to know that aside from the black folder and paper towelling, there was meat, now do they?

"Let's go to the check-out."

Right. He was half-dazed, a fact I know very well and have exploited, and expects me to wheel the trolley to the cashiers?

Fine, I grumble. After all, if he hadn't agreed to my little deal, I'd have to endure another meat-less dish. Walking to the cashier, something shiny catches my eye. Of course, being a thief in my past life doesn't help with the 'must ignore' factor, so I look. So sue me, I'm a thief. The shiny thing turns out to be something of little value, money-wise and nutrition-wise. The last fact supplied the pale albino who could just about win 3 Oscars for his 'soggy cereal' expression.

"You can grab a pack of lollies if you like. Just one, okay?"

Just one, the boy says. There's a 250gm box of M and Ms, or I can grab the fun-size Mars Bar, or the skittles. Or the Terry's chocolate Orange, Freddo, Caramello koala, starburst gummi fruits, or even the jellybeans. Or maybe even natural confectionary, but hey, sugar in such concentration shouldn't be healthy so heck to health. I'm a spirit, and I don't think I've ever heard of a spirit ever needing to go to the dentist. What else? Chocolate coated liquorice? Bleugh, don't know how the boy stands that nasty black stuff, or nasty green things for that matter. Definitely not liquorice. Or the sultana for the same matter. Sure, it isn't as foul, but Ra, it's mostly fruit, not worth your time at all. Or maybe I'll go for that Turkish delight, the fake chewy stuff that is the rip-off substance that does NOT originally come from Turkey. But they can take the credit for it, wonderfully made there. Ryou's father brought some home from Turkey, packaged in a neat container, which was printed with the scenery of a city attraction; it was quite pleasing to the eye and tongue and had a delightful aftertaste of rosewater, nothing on that crap they sell in gold wrappers here in Japan. Perhaps not. What else is there? Other packets of trimly packaged and printed plastic chibi motifs designed to sell, stuffed full with delectable sweet or sour goodies. But let's see what new on the market. Damn it all, just ONE, the boy jut had to ask for the impossible. Of course, me being The Infamous Tomb Robber Who Has Successfully Planned and Carried Out 3000 Robberies and Other Adventures Involving The Art Of Thievery, I am well capable of doing the 'impossible'. Whether the 'impossible' be robbing the gold from Akunadin's tomb in front of everybody's faces, walk past the heavily guarded main entrance without being detected and win against 6 High Priests Of Ancient Egypt. And how shall I achieve the impossible today? By reaching out and randomly grabbing something, turns out to the new advertised Triple Chocolate Dove™. Ingenious, isn't it? I can choose something that I would in all probability like, try something new, and at the same time 'utilise' this newly selected object to 'entertain' myself with a certain someone. Granted, I did have my eyes open. Well, this will do. Yes, this Triple Chocolate Dove with a dark chocolate crème centre, crisp oreo-like cookie embellishment to its smooth and velutinous marbled chocolate base will do very well indeed.

"Took us a while, going to the shop and all. Outing would have been much shorter if you had hurried up with the chocolate." The boy comments. I let it go, after all, the prospect of eating meat tonight is enough to make one deprived Tomb Robber happy. And how do I know I will have the meat TODAY? You'll see.

"Are you sure there isn't _any_ meat in the house?"

"I'm sure. If you can find any meat here, I'll cook it today and you can have it, okay?" Disturbingly confident for him, isn't it?

"If you insist," I drawl. See? I get what I want and the boy doesn't even know he's doing so. Rummaging through the recently bought groceries, the boy stands in front of the table, broadcasting waves of confusion.

"What are you looking for now, Bakura?"

"Meat."

"I told there wasn't any already. And if you're looking for that tray of beef steaks, I put that tray you tried to sneak in while you were deciding what packet of confectionary you wanted to buy."

"…you did?"

Kuso, why did he do that? He's getting better at this thief business, even foiled my plans for lunch this afternoon. And he isn't even gloating, as if he did that everyday and that it was part of everyday life, Re, I stole practically everyday and still found it damn amusing. The boy watches the microwave countdown the seconds before his lunch of alphabet soup. He taps some rhythm with his finger on the bench, and nods his head out of sync with his finger. He has no coordination. Speaking of which, co-ordination is an important asset to thievery. Another thing I'll have to teach. Sure, it all started out as teaching him the art of thievery so I'll never hear those frightening 5 words to do with…manners… but there's another raison d'etre to why I am doing this. Something I won't indulge you with right now. Possibly in the future… but who are you to believe the word of a notorious tomb robber?

"Right, since lunch isn't worthwhile anymore, I am going to teach you coordination. Why? Because you cannot coordinate if your life depended on it, as so wonderfully shown today."

"I'm not going back to the gym. You can't make me."

I can but I won't. There simply is no need. 'Won't' do something doesn't mean 'can't' do something here, I _can_ drag the protesting boy to the gym and endure what he would describe as 'giving me the beating of my life' but like I mentioned before; there is simply no need.

"Here…catch this."

Throwing an orange up into the air, I try to make it 'float' for as long as possible, just so the boy has a chance in the Shadow Realm to catch it. I hope he doesn't prove me wrong… good, he doesn't. He can catch after all. Now, a normal throw.

"Got…it…" He mutters as he lunges for the far-too-left flung orange. "…gah. ITAI!" He yells as he ungracefully trips over his own feet and cuffs himself on the coffee table and waits for the orange to land comically on his upper back

"Well done." I say mockingly.

"_Urusai_." He boy mutters, it's the new rage for him nowadays. Yuugi, with his accusing stare and 'Not Quite Right' expression. And Ryou, with his new found attitude that he shows to nobody but me.

"Glad to know you can catch an orange. I'm mildly amused with the hypothetical image of you bring an airborne knife to a jarring halt in midair with those wonderful intercepting skills."

Strangely, I had thought spirits don't deteriorate but they must somewhat, because I think my hearing is going. That, or I had actually heard the boy grumble 'it's not everybody where your yami uses an orange like a throwing knife'.

"What was that?" I ask, quite unsure to what I had just heard just then. Was I hallucinating again or was the boy developing some attitude? Whichever, both were positive could have some pleasing outcomes, apart from the hallucinations, that is.

"Nothing," he says as I shake the odd idea that has taken a likening to inside my head. Re dammit, did he just poke his tongue out at me?

I regard him oddly, brows knitting together. Did he just poke his tongue out at me? I can almost swear he did. A theif's instincts are very rarely wrong. They are only ever offcourse in their judgement when one has consumed one too many cups of beer. Still, if he had, he did it covertly enough as not be caught open-handed or open-mouthily? And all this brings me to another asset, which a thief should have. Stealth.

"Steal…this apple." Now I can say fruit has a use for a tomb robber. Using the currently-safe-from-abuse apple as a subject, I instructed the boy to walk in an underhandedly type of manner as not to prompt any noise that may alarm the guardian, or in this case, me.

"Now I will turn around and pretend you're not there. Now, when my back is turned, steal the apple."

"Go… don't make any sound." I instruct. Using my acute sense of hearing and borrowing on some help of Shadow Magic, I sense that there has been no detectable sound or movement. He hasn't moved at all.

"What are you waiting for, Ryou? Now is a great time."

What in Re's name is he waiting for! I have been standing like this, trying to behave oblivious to my hikari's presence and he just _stands_ there. Waiting for gold-gilded scented invitation perhaps?

"I'm going to turn around any moment now."

"3…"

"2…"

"1…"

The apple has not moved. The dust on the table has not moved. However, the boy has. In fact, not only has he moved, he has moved out of my sight without my detection. I had turned my back on him and he, according to my senses-that-must-be-getting-worse had disappeared.

"Ryou! Get back…"

There he is. Him and a bowl of nuts.

"...here…"

"Yes, yami?"

I really hate it when he does THAT. That innocent looking questioning look that makes you feel guilty and stereotypical parent-like with his wide-eyed expression and standing in a backed off stance and makes you sense that you shouldn't have shouted and makes you want to either throttle _him_ or hammer _your_ head on the nearest wall… That boy does it intentionally, audacious sprite he is.

"Why didn't you steal that…"

Apple… where in between this world and the Shadow realm did it go? Why is this all reminding me of Snow White? The apple business and… did I say sprite before? I _really_ must stop reading those fairytales of his. Hey, sure, it's fine to read fairytales. But, there's a time where you have to STOP before you can link it with everything, and start to think like a fairy tale character. Ra, if I say so much _think_ 'live happily ever after', I think I'll have to burn those books and then kill someone to convince myself I'm my normal homicidal self again.

"This apple?" I swear the boy was smiling in some fashion that one would describe as 'smugly'. Synonyms to his uncharacteristic action would be 'smirk'.

"Yes… Well done. Explain the nuts, if you please."

"Just a theory of mine. Distract the obstruction from the original objective, and then get back to it later. In this case, distract you with my disappearance and then steal this apple while you were disorientated. See, thievery isn't all ability. You have to think as well." He says ever so complacently. If I didn't know better, I would consider that my hikari to think I were a 'jock' and that I don't think at all. Slippery character indeed.

"Are you implying I don't think at all?"

"It's an option."

Why didn't I think of it before? Sure, he may be my hikari, so the Shadow Realm might not be the best way to go… BUT…has anyone ever told you about the fun defenestration brings? Especially if you are defenestrating something annoying and/or of hindrance? Of course, this chatter just means I am going to grab Annoying Brat the Second by the shirt, hoist him a proud foot above ground, lug him downstairs and hurl him out of a window. Not exaggerating either. The boy may not be expendable, but I can definitely throw him out of a window.

See, I am learning, whether it is something from a textbook or the unorthodox teachings of a bored tomb robber. However, my yami doesn't look too happy? How can that be? I made a (successful) theory (that bested my yami) and stole an apple and managed to slip past my yami without him realising… and he looks like he wants to rip me to pieces? That. Is. Not. Good.

All of a sudden, something rushes up and I find myself hoisted by my T-shirt… and unable to reach the floor with my feet… My yami has lifted me up…again. I hate it when he does that. I feel like a weight in the gym, used to pump and tone muscle. My teeth feel like they're shaking in their individual cocoons as Bakura takes the stairs down 3 at a time. I wish he wouldn't do that. Abruptly, the uncomfortable journey ends and I find myself having hair whipping at my face and the sun shining into my eyes as I am, what I think would be, flying out a window. Landing unceremoniously on the ground, general bodily area feels sore.

That was uncalled for. There was no need to throw me out of the window, even if it was only the first floor window. Actually, I'm surprised it's only the first.

"Ryou-kun, konnichiwa." Malik greets me hello, looking somewhat puzzled. Even I'd be puzzled if I found Malik sitting on the ground, dazed and looking pained… but Isis wouldn't do that to her brother. No, of course not. She wouldn't do that, as she is a very refined and sophisticated person.

"Judging by your position, Bakura threw you out of a window?"

"_Un_."

"Yeah, thought so. Isis does it all the time. I'd say she enjoys it. After my yami, I'd say she's next up with the whole humour-pain thing. Never thought my sister to be that type, really…"

"Does she really? Come on, Isis?"

"You'd be surprised. Certainly not crazy, not after what I've seen, but getting there."

"Ah… Want to come in? The apartment, I mean…"

"Yeah, that's why I came actually."

"Ok, do…"

"What are you doing down here, _gaki_?" Says a much-unexpected sharp voice that was more snarling than talking, doesn't seem to be doing its job because Malik is unperturbed and to my surprise, cracks a good-natured grin as he dramatically plays 'unwelcome, but unabashed visitor'.

"Paying you a nice little visit," Malik expresses sanguinely, gesturing an open 'you're welcome' by his standards, "So, Bakura, it's been some time. How's the tofu?"

Translation time! (It's been a long chapter, I cannot guarantee I can find every Japanese term I have used.)

_Yam_i: This is a 'name'. It means 'dark'.

_Yuugi_: Also a name. Yuugi means 'game'. Hence, Yami no yuugi, means 'Dark Game'.

_Ittarasshai_: Eng. Equiv. 'Welcome in.'

_Wakatta_: 'I have understood'.

_Daijobou_ data: I am fine (past tense)

_Yokatta_: 'Good' (past tense)

_Mou_ _ii_ _yo_: Lit. That's good. What it means is 'That's enough'.

_Nii_-_chan_: remember –chan? Good. Nii-chan is the most humble way you can say 'elder brother'.

_Baka_: You have got to know this. Means 'idiot. Stupid, moron, imbecile' etc.

_Un_: Sort of like 'yeah' in an agreeing way. Sort of like the aural version of a nod. Yes, I like that description.

_Gaki_: Malik, no, joke joke. Means 'brat'. Bakura uses it to refer to Malik.

In Japan, you add something at the end. Denotes status and your relationship with people.

Formal (for anybody): reincarnate-_SAN_

Informal (female, although if your guy doesn't mind and is extremely kawaii (cute) then I guess you can use with a guy.): ryou-_CHAN_ (familiar with this term for our albino bishonen? (bishonen: cute young guy.)

Informal (male): hisoka-_KUN_ (Got that name off Yami no Matsui: Dark Descendants)

Formal (for doctors, teachers. Anybody of mastery at what they do): Sawaki-_SENSEI_ (He's my teacher for Japanese.)

Formal (for people you look up to, role model): ocean-_SENPAI_ (yes, I look up to this author.)

Formal (making them almost royal, the supreme honorific): Lizeth-_SAMA_ (Got to love her fiction. Sigh, she can write, and she can draw… some people have it all…some what neither.)

Informal (used for your toy or pet): Ryou-plushie-_KO_

(Please use all this info up there in the review, so I know my audience is learning something. Feel free to use –_san_. –_chan_ is a TAD scary and freaks me out a BIT. –_kun_, don't go there. –_sensei_, haha, aren't you funny? –_senpai_, ooohh, anybody? –_SAMA_, flatterers out there, use this. –_ko_, I'd be… more than disturbed.)

Please review this almost 8000 word chapter. Why are they getting longer? Memo to self: Must make chapters somewhat shorter.


	4. I Challenge You To A Trivia?

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A TRIVIA?

Disclaimer: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I do not own YGO.

A/N: This is shorter than previous chapter. One, long chapters take a lot of time to edit. Two, a bit long don't you think? Three, it isn't an equinox of any sort so no celebrations for dear audience just yet. Help sustain deprived authors and review.

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A TRIVIA?

(Orange-factor)

FACT: I will KILL that brat who shoved the idea of being vegetarian under my hikari's nose…I will kill that blonde brat. I will!

"Kisama…Omae wo korosu…" Nothing like the blunt sentence that gives minimal time for the prey to figure out a plan to get away. Of course, by the time they figure out that you want to kill them, you would've already have half a dozen knives sticking out of their body. At least half a dozen.

"Nice to see you too."

"Amazing how someone like you in your situation can still smile at the prospect at a painful death. Believe me, you are going to beg for death after I'm done with you."

"Tut, tut, tut. At the risk of also sounding clichéd, you are not going to get away with this."

"Your point being?"

"Ryou! Your yami is trying to kill me…again!"

Have I ever made it clear that, I HATE THAT BRAT?

"Bakura! Put him down," he says trying to stare angrily at my offending arm, which is proudly hoisting that blonde brat approximately half a foot off the ground.

"Indeed I will." I am more than glad to have my hikari's permission to 'put down' the Egyptian grave keeper.

"No Shadow magic!" he yells. If it really has to come to this, I am willing to go there. But if my hikari complains that it is too messy, it is entirely his fault.

"Pity. Then, I will have to kill you manually." Drawing a convenient knife from a hidden armband, and testing it, I cannot believe am I, the greatest tomb robber in all history, am submitting to my hikari when he glowers at the knife. Since when did I listen to my hikari?

"Yami! No knives, no Shadow magic, please? Someone will get hurt…"

Someone will get hurt? I INTEND for a certain someone to get hurt…make that two someones if Ryou doesn't move. And did he call me Yami again? Get it right; it is 'Bakura', Bakura not Yami. I do not want to be mistaken for that pathetic nameless Pharaoh.

"Bakura! Let go of him! You are not going to kill him!"

"Says you and what army?" My hikari says I won't kill the brat? This IS laughable…that is if I hadn't started to feel guilty around about now. Damn those eyes, 'hikari's eyes, they've been nicknamed. They're the ultimate defence and strategy again homicidal yamis, the thing is that…it works.

Damn.

"Fine. Only because I don't want to be made to clean up after the bloodbath, I will not eviscerate you, hang your carcass to dry and allow you to be eaten by ants. I challenge you to a Shadow game!"

"Bakura! No Shadow Games, no killing Malik! No evisceration! No feeding remains to ants! No…"

"Is this how boring my life is going to become?" Malik contemplated.

What! Malik is having his ass saved by my hikari and he's complaining? But then, do my murderous thoughts make his life interesting? I am amusing him? Let's not go there.

"Um…how about a friendly duel?"

Even Malik raised his eyebrow. I, on the other hand, have no use for euphemisms and laugh in his face. He was kidding right? There was going to be no friendly duel, you naïve creature. Malik, Bakura and friendly. Those three words in the same sentence without the use of negatives, unless you want to die due to apocalypse, should NEVER happen. There was no chance in the Shadow Realm was that was EVER going to happen. It just doesn't. The idea is so far fetched that even…Malik was laughing. Need I tell you more?

"Eh…a normal duel, WITHOUT Shadow magic, blood, knives, alcohol, drugs, memory loss, deals, negotiation…"

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't you get it Ryou? Malik and I aren't exactly, how would you put it, the best of friends?

The boy's definition of 'normal duel', unfortunately, is extremely awry. His definition of a normal duel would be a delightful trip to Kaiba Land, renting an arena, having a duel WITHOUT the following: magic, Shadow magic, mysterious comas, death, weapons, blood, blood pacts and blood altogether. Then after a boring duel, the one who had eluded death has to buy an ice cream for the one who is still fuming over the fact that he could have killed somebody. This is NOT how I operate. I like magic, Shadow magic, mysterious comas, death, weapons, blood, blood pacts, blood altogether, stealing, killing Malik, Yami…'s puzzle…But then again, I am starting to get used to the idea of the ice cream. I especially like the Super Chocolate Cone. I like the chocolate cream, chocolate topping, chocolate chips, chocolate tip, chocolate cone, chocolate centre, chocolate flakes and could it be? I like the sweet brown confectionary that brings certain females to their knees, called chocolate? I find myself drooling over the idea of a chocolate yami…err…chocolate is yami, no! Chocolate is yummy! Yummy Yami…No! Yummy NOT Yami!

I think I'll stop thinking about…ice cream…for now. It is starting to make my imagination wander towards 'unfavourable' directions.

"For originality, how about a trivia?"

"Trivia?" WHAT? It isn't normal! Who in their right mind/s would challenge anybody to a trivia? No one sane would challenge anyone to a 'trivia'. But then, since when have I been a stickler for the orthodox, right-mindedness or sanity? This is the boy's fault! Ryou is starting to grow on me, like a weed. Like a weed, I say! Not that I mind, he's a pretty weed that has buried roots of sentimentality, gentility, consciousness…I really need to get away from that boy. He's starting to affect my vocabulary.

"What about trivia, Ryou? I want to play."

Great. The Pharaohs' hikari, a more naive shine-bright kid than my own hikari.

"Great idea, Ryou. Everyone agree? Let's go, trivia it is. "

Double great. Shine-bright hikari's overly tall and blonde pup.

Wait-a-minute! I didn't agree to anything to do with a trivia! This wasn't in the bloody job description… Fine then, if you must, I will participate in this ludicrous trivia. I have more intelligence points than any Grave keeper, plus the fact that everybody is inferior to me, and this trivia will prove just that.

"No magic," I say. I am not stupid, after all, how can the Greatest Tomb Robber In All History be as dense as to not know that Malik can use that accursed Rod? If Malik uses that Millenium Rod, he can access knowledge from the memories of this mediocre horde and, that, is a disadvantage to me.

"I'm not going to use the Rod, because unlike you, I don't need it. Feel free to use for yourself."

"You underestimate me, Grave keeper. To fill your empty head, here's a bit of information: I do not need any help. Especially from any possessions you own."

4 words. Damn. My. Traitorous. Mouth.

And so it goes. Due to the fact that a normal 'Trivial Pursuit' board and cards could not be found, conveniently missing, if it didn't arouse any suspicion. These inferiors are like my hikari, extremely stupid and trusting. They wouldn't recognise a conspiracy even if there were a person whose aura screamed 'TOMB ROBBER' was standing not 2 meters from them.

Therein lies the reason why the Pharaoh suggested that everybody made up their own question. Extremely keen on seeing me crushing Malik over this trivia aren't you, Pharaoh?

"What does my tattoo look like?" The unnervingly passionate about Duel Monsters Pharaoh says.

"A variation of an Ankh, with a dagger bottom and the top with something like your hair. It is black and I think you should have gotten it done lower down."

Now how do you suppose I knew that?

"Yami! T-Tattoo! When did you get a tattoo?" The shorter, less egotistical tricoloured haired Yuugi says. Judging by his more-wide-eyed-expression-than-usual, I'll take it he doesn't know his yami has a tattoo? If my hikari had gotten a tattoo, I would know, no matter where he placed it. But then, it would be extremely scandalising for me if I knew where it was, assuming he placed his tattoo in the same area yami did. But my yadonushi is extremely modest; he would be placing any tattoos there any time soon.

Or so I think.

"Bakura! How…how did you know?!" Yami spluttered. Tut, tut, tut. Is the Pharaoh losing his composure over this? I have seen more than that tattoo, a lot more.

But he doesn't have to know that.

Never missing a beat or the chance to smirk, I was internally glad that the younger looking Mutous had a sky light in the _their_ bedroom.

"I have my sources."

"It's not like I bare it for the world to see! It is hidden quite well, for most of the day."

"Like I said before, I have my sources. And you would be covering it up, otherwise the other you would scold you over public indecency? "

"Just what do you do in your spare time? That thought worries me."

"Next question, if you please." Malik breaks the tension with his less-than-happy tone of voice.

Bakura, the Great Tomb Thief:1.

Malik, the stupid Grave Keeper: Zilch.

"Yes. Next question," stalls Yuugi. I have a hunch that Yami will experience the vehemence of a cheesed off hikari sometime soon… That, and don't think he'll let any bedroom curtains remain open at night, for cautionary reasons.

"Who is the only person to see through the Black Silk Hat trick?"

"Me!"

Why that little conniving …how in the Shadow Realm was I supposed to know THAT? Of course Malik would know that, considering it IS about him. Since when has Yuugi made up his mind to conspire against me? What did I do to deserve this?

Ah, stupid question.

"Am I the only one? This. Is. Precious," Malik nattered. "Are you saying, apart from me, no one, not even the _great_ tomb Robber, had ever guessed correctly?"

"No need to rub it in." Yuugi says dejectedly.

Bakura, the ever as infamous Soul Stealer: 1.

Malik, who only got that question because everybody was conspiring against me: 1

"There, there. Lighten up, Yuugi. My question. Which of the following will you the worst hangover? Vodka, brandy, port, chardonnay or VB?" says Honda, with his hair looking his usual worst, said as he comforted Yuugi with a pat on the back.

Vodka? What the hell was that? Brandy? I've heard of that. Port? That was alcohol? Chardonnay? What a ridiculous name. VB? I won't ask. Not that I have never touched alcohol in my unnaturally extended life, in fact, the contrary, but it had been a long time since I touched any alcohol. Try 3000 years stuck in the Millennium Ring without alcohol, then waking up to a world that has regulations over liquid joy.

"Port."

What about Port? Oh, Malik says Port. Like he would know. What are the chances of a blonde grave keeper who's been imprisoned underground knowing which is cause the worst hangover? Chances are one in a…

"Yeah. Malik gets another point." Honda says casually.

I believe there is one word that expresses my disbelief that THAT Grave Keeper got that right. And that word is, WHAT?!

Bakura, He Who Has Mastered Shadow Games: 1

Malik, the insignificant brat from Egypt who tried to swindle a deal over MY God Cards: 2

Do not worry; Malik's two points are due to an unfair question and a fluke. I, Bakura, the underdog, will emerge and defeat that arrogant Egyptian brat.

"Just how do you know that, Honda?" Yuugi asks, looking at him oddly. Seems to be a rage for him now, staring at people like that. First me, then Honda.

"Don't look at me like that! I don't drink!"

"Soudesu ka? I suppose the reason you said 'I'm not as think as you drunk I am' was because you don't drink?"

"I don't remember saying that."

"Because…"

"AHEM. Moving on, Jounouchi?"

"Hai! Speaking of alcohol, is it true that if you lick your finger and stick it into your beer, the foam will down?"

"Jounouchi! You were supposed to go off that topic not go along with it!" Honda yells as he ineffectively chokes his sidekick. He has the technique all wrong. If he asked nicely, I might demonstrate how he could do it efficiently with the least amount of energy…minimal charge even.

"True." The brat cockily spells out, smirking for all he and the God cards were worth as the pup nodded.

I would like to go with my past philosophy. Trivia is a waste of time. It is purely a distraction to amuse the lesser beings who have nothing to do.

"Bakura, what were saying about not needing any help?" The overly lucky purple-eyed Grave Keeper grins, as he takes a stab at my ego.

About demonstrating 'how to choke one effectively', I think I might do it free of charge if I have that brat as my subject.

"Worry about yourself first. I am more than capable to catch up and prove to you that you are inferior."

"You just keep telling yourself that."

Bakura, He Who Likes Raw Meat But Cannot Have Any Because His Hikari Is Vegan: 1

Malik, The Soon To Be Dead Millennium Rod Holder Who Persuaded My Hikari To Be Vegan: 3

"Sou, I think it's my turn." Says the dice obsessed subordinate of Yuugi.

"Otogi! Nothing about Dungeon Dice, they haven't played." Ever the adjudicator, the Pharaoh, I mutter.

"You think so little of me? Just because you beat me at my own game…"

"I believe that gives me that right to think little of you."

"You're too cocky for your own good, you know that?"

"Unlike you, I can afford to be cocky."

"If you keep that talk up, that'll give me the right to sock you one on the face."

"You wouldn't dare. How about a game to see who will punch who?"

"My question," Otogi apparently ignoring Yami, "is not a question. Let's give your tongues a bit of exercise, shall we?"

Laughing maniacally at the other implied meaning, I was not surprised to see the brat, the less than useful follower of Yuugi with demented hair, the blonde pup, the too cocky for his own good Pharaoh and am I hallucinating? Yuugi, the friends-are-here-for-me-forever soul vessel was also snickering to the undertone of Otogi's casual offer? What is the world coming to? How the hell would…ahh, clearly he isn't as naïve and 'clean' as I though he was.

"Aibou?" The smug Pharaoh questioned. At least I'm not the only one surprised by his sudden upgrade of mind to the wicked and corrupt.

"Eeto…"

Why so shy? If you must deny it and continue your innocence charade, some day you will look back on this time, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Otogi, shaking his head, grinning absurdly at what he did not understand, scrawled down some unintelligible sentence, that, or it was that tongue twister, on a piece of paper.

"The big black bug bled black blood."

Simple. Easy. Score for Bakura.

Bakura, He Who Strikes Again: 2.

Malik, the unhinged leader of the dim-witted Gurus who attempted and FAILED to take all the God Cards: 3.

"Che," Clearly, Malik the Brat is fuming over the ineptness of his tongue. "How often do you 'exercise your tongue'?"

Believe it or not, I think my hikarishied away from my consciousness and hid in his Soul Room. There was no way in hell was I going to be believe that it was possible that my hikari could have understood that. But, what other valid reason was there? My hikari was becoming associated to a proper thought pattern, about time too. Twice in one day, the dark sides have proven they are more influential that thought to be.

You little dirty minded…

/Gomen! I-I…/

Congratulations!

/Bakura! I am NOT…/

Dirty minded, becoming immoral, corrupt, wicked, able to understand certain innuendoes…

/Misled, tainted, been spending too much time around you?/

"My question. Malik, yami, are you listening?" Taking over his body, obviously to escape me, he was assaulted by that purple-eyed gold-decked Egyptian brat.

"Ryou! Did you hear how I defeated your overly confident yami?"

Kisama… It's not over yet! I WILL answer this question correctly, and when I win this trivia I am going to use this moment to bag you at every chance I get…

"He says the trivia can take turn midway and is willing to compete to the end."

At least dub with _some_ accuracy…

"Very well. My question: What is the 23nd element on the periodic table?"

"Hydrogen, helium…" Counted the stupid brat.

"Vanadium! Ha, Malik! Now we're equal! I told you I would catch up." I take over his body again. Didn't I tell you that it'd be cinch to catch up?

"That's not fair. Your hikari probably let you go through his Soul Room." He yelled, even though it was probably doing more harm to my hikari's body's ears than getting any message through to me.

"Did not. Oi, yadonushi, still alive? Did you grant me access to your Soul Room?"

/No…/

"He said 'No'. There! Fair point for me."

/…you sort of barged in and trawled through looking for something and now my Room is all messy…/

No one else has to know that

Bakura, The Triumphant: 3

Malik, The Not So Triumphant: 3

"Ittarrashai!"

Who came?

"Malik! Oh, is everyone here?"

"Nii-chan!"

"Shizuka! Daijobou?"

"Jounouchi Katsuya, give me some credit."

"Mai-san."

"A-hem," the brat interrupts. Possibly the only sensible thing he's done today. "This reunion is all very touching, but Bakura and I have a score to settle."

"Really, Malik? Then why don't I see a Shadow Game going on?" countered his sister.

"Because my host wouldn't allow it."

"You sound bitter, Bakura. He is a very nice and sensible boy. You should listen to him more often."

/Hear that, yami?/

BA. KU. RA.

"Nee-san, we're making the questions up. You're next."

What are you plotting Malik? Want to answer a question that you know that your sister will say?

"Ah, the Sun God…"

"Ra."

"Ra."

"Sorry, Bakura but…"

"I answered it first!!!" Malik celebrated. Not for long if I can help it.

Bakura, Who Will Catch Up:3

Malik, Who Is GOING DOWN:4

"Nii-chan. Can I have a go?"

"Of course."

So, this was Shizuka? The girl who makes two idiots natter constantly and basically asks to be thrown into the Shadow Realm? Interesting, no one knows her. Maybe she'd do a fair question.

"Apart from Denmark what is another country beginning with 'D'?"

Ryou, you're good at these things, help me out

/That's cheating/

…and I thought you were becoming more like me…

"Djibouti."

"Malik! You did learn something from your atlas!" Said an annoyingly happy Isis.

"What were you doing with an atlas?" asks the Pup.

That's what I want to know. Could it be? Despite the 'tough guy' look, could it be that he was like my overly studious hikari?

"I…was bored."

"Honto?" The pup says sceptically.

"Why don't you believe me?"

"The question here should be 'why should they believe you?'"

"Bakura, you're just sour because I won."

Bakura: 3

Malik: 5

I am sour because he won? I am NOT sour because he won…because he hasn't won yet.

"You. Make a question." I point out, glaring at the other blonde woman, which apparently has a fetish for purple and anything short.

"Atashi?" Pointing to herself with a manicured fingernail, she questioned whether I was serious or not.

"Yes, you." Yes, I am serious.

"You have to work on your manners, boy."

Don't mention 'manners' of any sort to me.

"Oh, stop death glaring. Here's the question. '90% of women turn left or right when entering a department store?"

"Right."

This Mai character gives me a very odd look, not dissimilar to Yuugi's.

"How did you know, or did you guess?"

"Ryou does it."

/…Bakura! I'm not a woman! How can you say that…/

One, easily. Two, you do turn right. Three, payback for not helping me with the country question.

/Just you wait. Dinner time, I AM going to teach you table manners./

Ryou! I am not learning table manners! How can suggest such…

/One, easily. Two, even Mai-san says you need to be taught manners. Three, payback for department answer./

…I'm not sure whether I should laugh at the absurdity of you teaching me table manners OR at the fact that you're becoming more evil by the week…

A/N: 3, 800 word chapter. Any suggestion to 'how to straighten out plot lines'? No, I'm not asking the general audience to make it rated 'G'. Because, if my plot line _can_ be drawn, looks like a spider with too many legs. Just to keep it focused one sone aspect, he'll go along with no more than 5 plot lines. Suggestions, please appear in review box.

Translations:

Doumo Arigatou!: Many thanks. You can say 'doumo' is you are feeling particularly lazy, or 'arigatou' or even 'arigatou gozaimas'. The last one is rather formal and isn't used so often around friends.

Nii-chan: The most humble way of saying 'elder brother'.

Shizuka: That, is a name. It also means 'quiet'.

Daijobou: (pronounced as 'dai-jo-boo') Means: 'Okay?' in the context of 'are you feeling alright?'

Jounouchi: Also a name. People to only watch the dubbed version, this is Joey. Jounouchi consist of 3 kanji. Means 'castle within' or 'object which lodges inside a castle'. Personally, I have my own little philosophy about that, but this is meant to be brief.

Katsuya: Jou's first name. Remember, Japanese people have their surnames first, THEN given names. I'm not so sure about this one because it doesn't make sense in the orthodox way in my language but I'm sure there's an implied meaning to it.

Mai: Mai Valentine, for the dub watchers. Mai, reading the kanji, means 'dance'.

Soudesuka: English equiv.= Is that so? Or 'Ah huh…' Can be used to indicate disbelief, interest, just depends how you say it. (tone-wise)

Hai: You SHOULD know this. For those who don't know, this means 'yes'. Japanese people use it often in the context of 'Well, insert sentence here.'


	5. One Two Three Floor

ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

Disclaimer: I am not Kazuki Takahashi. I not own YGO.

A/N: I admit that I am not old enough to consume large amounts of alcohol legally, therefore tolerate with the limited information about the alcoholic cocktails mentioned in this chapter. All 'tastes' are purely imaginary and under no circumstances have I actually consumed any. This warning is to avoid strange 'looks', similar to those given by Yuugi to Honda or Bakura in the previous chapter.

Also, after reading my chapters and combing over for errors, I have found an inconsistency to whether the Millennium Item's inhabitants can take a physical form or not. Shall we assume they can whenever they want to? Of course, being spirits, they have their limitations and can't do it forever. So, that concludes that the spirits CAN take physical forms, just not permanently.

Skip intro.

The introduction to this is not important. There was nothing to say apart from I was sitting in my Soul Room until I was so rudely disturbed. But what is important would be that I have an intruder in my apartment. So sue me, I am a thief; I have extremely sharp senses that I honed over the ages. Of course, these could be a distraction at times. Hearing the clumsy intruder from my Soul Room, and that is saying a lot since my hikari's Soul Room is as noisy as a crèche classroom when the teacher announces 'Story time!' Not that I have had any contact with children of these ages. One, me with children? Two, my hikari doesn't let me for the above reason. Back to the clumsy intruder, an intruder which, judging by the creak of the floorboards, slightly taller than 4 feet. Since when did fairies decide to move in?

Note to self: Must burn those books whose ideas have taken liking to the shambles of my mind and then exorcise myself some time soon.

4 feet? Since when do primary school children feel the need to break into an apartment. Another reason why kids and I do not go. Serious rivalry there. Rivalry, you say? Why the hell do you think 'childproof' is an oxymoron?

Stop. Pause. Rewind. Just over 4 feet? That wouldn't happen to be 4 feet 2 inches, would it?

"Bakura?"

"Pharaoh, since when have you adopted this cute pastime of breaking into apartments?"

"No need to be defensive."

No need? I had just found a barely over 4 foot, 'adolescent' who bore a crown of tri-coloured hair, who wears a tight mesh and spandex muscle shirt, tight leathers…okaaay, sharp turn to the left and let's not take that turn on memory lane…Pharaoh roaming in my apartment.

"Come to laugh over my loss to Malik?" Do not get me wrong. That statement, which only has that question mark there solely for grammatical purposes, was a threat. Look down, somewhere in the hand area and see that silvery glint? That. Is. A. Knife. Not sure whether it's as sharp as I'd like it to be, but it will do.

"Since you lost to Malik…"

"You decided to come here and remind me again? Nice of you." I gruffly reply.

"Actually, no. Figured you had only lost to him because of the alcohol questions. Guess you need a memory update on alcohol."

"What's in it for you?"

"What makes you think that I have something to gain?"

"Answer the question."

"No. I have nothing to gain, but you do."

"What's that? I get to see you drunk and wasted?"

"…Perhaps. I am going to teach you the joys of modern alcohol."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Are you backing away from a challenge? Scared to think what alcohol can do now?"

"Ryou! I'm going out!" I hollered across the corridor separating the living room and study. Just so, I don't have my hikari pestering me as I learn what the hell this century has to offer on liquid joy.

"Now?" yells the boy. "Be careful!"

Shut it, pharaoh. I can see smirking from here.

"He still tells YOU to be careful? Shouldn't he be opening a window and announcing to the world that he's letting you out and for THEM to be careful?"

"Enough lip, save the macho repartee for the bar.

"Bakura. This is what you call a lime daiquiri. It's rum and lime juice." He drawls, as if he had found teaching witless kids to be a favoured pastime. L-I-M-E D-A-I-Q-U-I-R-I. You don't say.

"I may be lacking in the alcohol department, but I'm not stupid."

"Of course not. You proved that point so well when you lost to Malik."

"Shut it, pharaoh. Or I'll seal that orifice for you…permanently."

"Still bitter. A drink would help, wouldn't it, Tomb Robber?"

"And damn if it didn't," I muttered before grabbing a delicate-looking cocktail glass almost overflowing from the ominous looking greenish liquid, "One lime daiquiri." I agreed, throwing my head back to fully knock back the substance down my throat.

Ra! People nowadays drink this stuff? Looks like people these days were getting to be as masochistic as I am. That so-called lime daiquiri was so Ra-damned volatile that you could remove carpet stains with that stuff. Took me two soda waters to put the hell writhing inside of my stomach out and wipe that pain-induced grin off my face. Looks like the old personality of masochism came back and visited once more.

"Still there, Tomb Robber? Surely that one drink hasn't lost you on me?"

"Next?"

"Very well," he purrs, "This is a tequila, with lemon of course."

"All citrus is it? Surely you don't have anything in mind?"

"And what would that be?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Perhaps. Drink will you, perhaps that will loosen your tongue and tell me what you have in mind."

"Indeed I will, suits both our plans doesn't it, Pharaoh?"

…With hindsight, I rather skull down whatever is inside those bottles marked with a crossbones symbol on than this. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Yami had to have 3 beers after he saw the look on my face.

"Shut it, Pharaoh."

"Or you'll shove something into a certain someone's oral cavity?"

"Only if you insist with your constant reminders."

"Would you like me to keep reminding you?"

"Your daiquiri, Pharaoh?" I dared.

"Not too dizzy are you Pharaoh?"

"Not. At. All. Your turn."

"One of these things." I saluted the Pharaoh before I best whatever flaming poison is in this salt-rimmed glass. Grabbing what I thought was my soda water off the table, I chugged that down as to set my throat on fire. Or so it looked. You try drinking what was burning mere seconds before sliding your throat, then grabbing what you _thought_ was water and sculling approximately 50 millilitres of that before realising you were doing something parallel to dousing vinegar on a bee sting. That deed is not going to appear on anyone's 'to do' lists any time soon. One, it isn't the best of ideas. Two, strike that, it was plain stupid.

Several people clapped, others were stunned at the fact that I wasn't crying for water whilst half dead on the ground. Instead, my friend sadism pays a special visit and what my adoring, whilst gaping, audience sees is a spiky white haired youth laughing in such a manner as, in my host's words, 'to put the super villain in any block buster movie to shame'.

"Your move, Yami."

"Bakura…how are you feeling?"

"Feeling like you're about to pass out after your next drink."

My next drink. The next step to being practically, literally, technically and figuratively dead. I felt something sliding across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Yami knows the routine by now. He pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I would bet the Millennium Ring that he did NOT do that to help me. Some guy wearing an anti-shirt consisting of only sleeves and red leathers was standing behind me with fresh refills; plus, that 4 foot 2 inch Pharaoh is starting to look hot, just like this nuclear waste I'm drinking.

"Next up," the Pharaoh continues to purr as he strokes the compact bottle of the next blow to my mind, "is the new Baileys Glide. _Taste the lightness._" If I hadn't known that line was from the advertisement flashing at the train station, I would say that the light-headedness was showing up on my face, that, or Yami somehow knows I am going to hit that back lights of my head any time in the near future. But, since my friend masochism had also paid a special and inopportune visit, I take the damn creamy coloured bottle and force it down my throat. At this time, I realise that people have a point when they say that I am insane. I am insane. Even I say so. The fact I can get half a sentence done is amazing, because, in all logicality, I shouldn't be able to think in a vaguely straight line and should be stone cold on the ground if I were alive. My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. You could put a grenade behind me, pull the pin, and I wouldn't hear a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. The barmaid seemed offended when I told her that her alcoholic concoction had given me brain damage. Yami saved my throat by pouring beer directly into it from the pitcher. My shirt is drenched and my hair is as wet as my shirt from sweat, I also smell like alcohol. At least when Ryou drags me out he'll know what knocked me out. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Half choked and technically dead, I still cannot believe my less-than-half-logical-self believes that there is still no way I am going to lose to Yami at a drinking game, as darkness eats at my eyesight like a malignant virus and as my body slumps in an 'signing off' position for tonight.

I cannot believe Yuugi's yami dragged Bakura to the local club for 'a couple of drinks'. Sure, Bakura freely going to that particular nightclub get himself smashed is completely within my view of him, and probably is expected in his reputation to be the impulsive nutcase as he is, but YAMI? The fondly nicknamed 'King of Duel' dressed up in hardcore punk gear consisting of a tight muscle shirt, human sized dog-collar and 'Ra-how-can-he-breathe' leathers, had decadently lured MY yami to a night of alcohol. In a nightclub that I'd never be caught in, dead or alive… though Bakura would like to fix the 'dead or alive' business if I had actually uttered this lecture aloud.

/Bakura? Do you want a glass of water?/ I send through our link, 'speaking' in the quietest tone I could manage.

No, I am fine.

/I'm making some fruit salad for you in the kitchen, if you want some./

"Why so nice, all of a sudden?" My yami says in his usual touchy tone as he crosses his arms, leaning in the doorway as he does so.

"Aren't I allowed to care for the little tomb robber who had gotten smashed 19 hours… 20 minutes ago?" I continued, humouring myself as I go. Bakura seizes a knife and starts slicing an orange up, before grabbing the entire stockpile of knives that Father had so unwittingly brought home.

"Baku, bring the knives back?" A newly discovered habit of mine, mocking the tomb robber like that. Quite endearing to see him wrinkling his nose and try to pay no attention to my comment.

"Don't. Call. Me. _Baku_." He says through gritted teeth, waving those knives around like a toy rattle. _Kawaii_. Yes, you may think I'm asking for it for the constant gibes and such, but it _is_ amusing. I don't recommend such jeering and jostling towards the famed Tomb Robber for the public though, my insured safety has something to do with the fact that he possesses _my_ body, and if anything happens to that, well, he too can say _sayonara_.

"Or else what, _Baku-chan_?"

Smiling sweetly, I watched my darker half go into one of his 'dangerous moods'. I could give a frame-by-frame commentary that would involve certain bits of information that would make the Tomb Robber's blood boil, such as the fact that he does an 'almost pout' and childishly scowled down at me but that _could_ undo my life insurance.

"Here, eat your fruit salad." I hand him a bowl of diced orange, pineapple, strawberry, grape and passionfruit pulp.

"I'm not eating that." He points out, because he is a stubborn yami who had gotten smashed, and who needs his lighter counterpart to keep him in check.

"Yes you are. It will get you back to normal, just eat it." I try to say in an exasperated tone.

"Back to normal? And what," he pauses for effect and menacingly slides up to me, showcasing the most delectable expression a smashed Tomb Robber can make before continuing, "do you mean by _that_? Are you saying that I, like others in the mortal population, need to be cosseted and taken care of because I have a hangover?"

Just as I was about to nod, I am thankful I considered nodding, having stalled time. Time, which saved my neck from being skewered by an airborne, cheesed-off yami-propelled, kitchen fruit knife.

_Thud._

1 kitchen knife thrown in my general direction, barely missing my head by approximately 20 centimetres. Whatever possessed my father to buy that stash of knives from Egypt in the first place? Sure, _I_ am hardly able to throw knives so carelessly like that, but Bakura? I wouldn't trust him with a steel-nib pen.

"I…" my Yami states in steely tones.

_Thud. Thud. _

2 and 3 kitchen fish filleting and chicken-skinning knives respectively hurled also in my general direction, barely missing my shoulder by a hand span. My yami's knife or shadow-magicked physical body or/and both is really starting to scare me now. It's like seeing a child playing with darts and getting closer with every turn and then actually hitting bulls-eye in their 3RD go. Just what are parents thinking, if at all, when buying playthings for their children? Do they actually want to unconsciously train them to weaponry? Scary thought there.

"…do…not…"

_THUD._

No, Ryou, don't move…even though your yami looks like he's in the mood to use those knives for purposes other than dicing vegetables and slicing meat, stay where you are. Do not alarm the armed tomb robber.

"…have a HANGOVER!" he yells angrily, as he haphazardly throws random knives at my already punctured door.

"Yami! Stop that! Now, give me those knives!" I yell. Fun is fun, but when fun starts involving the fact that people could be killed or starts gets out of hand, like my yami does now, enough is _enough_. Forcefully grabbing my yami's wrist and pulling his free hand away from the knives, he half-heartedly struggles from my feeble grip.

"I have knives and I'm not afraid to use them!"

"Bakura! Give me those knives, sit down and eat your lunch!" I yell, making up for my miserable attempt at a scowl.

"I have knives and I will dice you up if I need to, so put that bowl down. Slowly. None of your watery eye tricks either!"

"You would hurt me, Bakura, because you are such a…nice, caring, sympathetic, considerate yami." Smiling sweetly before I draw out the guns for the final showdown of 'skills that come with the hikari package', I actually never do. However, I do widen my eyes, but never get round to producing the shiny stop-any-yami-in-their-murderous-tracks teary-eyed looks. Why? If I were able to, I wouldn't have had to see stars and wouldn't have been locked out of the apartment. Stupid Bakura.

/Yami…let me back in…/ I protest through our link. /It's boring out here on the balcony…/

Yes, instead of the heated corridor of the apartments, he has considered something and has locked me out of the indoors part of the building and sealed me out on the 3-storey high place. The 3-storey place prone to cool winds that made it so inhospitable that only a measly Aloe Vera plant and a couple of fuse-wire supported disease-resistant tomatoes lived in their green plastic pots, otherwise known as my balcony.

/Yami?/

Fine. Don't answer; see if I care. See if I mind being stuck out here, wearing a flimsy T-shirt and half-freezing to death. Not that it was cold, not in this type of season in Tokyo, but wind-chill was nothing to be sneezed at here. Well, at least I have the plants as company. Yes, the plants. There was nothing else worth looking at apart from the half-blown off paint off the rail, a spiky Aloe Vera plant, that had been used so many times that I should put it in some new potting mix so it grows again and green plastic pots. Of course, the pots themselves weren't interesting as they were your average pot, no; those were the pots in which those resolutely slow-growing tomatoes grew in. The tomatoes also had fuse wire that I had decided the tomatoes needed in order to stand straight. Looking back and remembering how many times I had to buy tomatoes from the supermarket to cook, I could just throw that plant in the bin and be better off, stupid unyielding plant it is.

Even with the fuse wire… _fuse wire_? That's right! Fuse wire! Why didn't I think of it before? Unwinding the flexible, yet strong, wire from the shrivelled stem of the wretched plant, I proceeded to thread it through the keyhole. Bakura's not the only one who is 'resourceful'. Meep, whenever I catch myself thinking or saying such things, which is never good. It means either I am more like that tomb robber than originally thought OR I am acquiring Bakura-like tendencies by osmosis.

/Guess who's back?/

"What are you doing back in here?"

"I live here?"

"Very funny. Now, how did you get back in? I thought I locked the door."

"…_Ano_… I-I- picked the lock?"

"With what?" It may be just me, but the tomb robber looks more intrigued than murderous… but I may be wrong. You never know. One moment, moderately sane and relatively harmless, the next, threatening to blow half the apartment up.

"Fuse wire, Bakura. What else?"

"The fuse wire you said 'went missing'?"

"It didn't go missing, it just went to supporting the tomato plants."

"Tomatoes don't need support, they row on their own accord. You planned for this eventuality, Ryou."

"_Gomen_."

"Never mind with the apology, I… am going to eat that fruit salad now."

Strangely, he picks the bowl up, walks to the table and eats his lunch civilly. I have no idea whatsoever to what happened just then, so don't ask. I don't know, it isn't normal. It's not something you would find in a textbook, so please don't ask because I honestly do not know. I know I am repeating myself… but I really don't know.

Whilst I feed myself as I am well capable to do so, because unlike you pathetic mortals, I do not get 'smashed'. Picking at a seedless grape, I am, if I am to follow the trend of most of my kind and am somewhat inarticulate, I am amazed. But since I am a great, strategic and cunning King of Thieves, I have a vocabulary ranging from honorific to the deplorable ways to refer to all those who surround me. I will have to say that the boy planning for this eventuality is astounding, it is the most intelligent and sensible thing he has done, so I was stuck with the boy for a not-so-random reason after all.

My hikari can smirk, threaten, laugh as to inspire fear and an urge for the receiver to make a break for it, coordinate when cleaning, yield unexpected force when angered, and pick locks? Hn, I knew there was a reason why he and I got along so well…

A/N: Translation and partially-discussion time!

Gomen: translated before. You _should_ remember that it is the humblest, commonly used around friends, way of apologising.

Kawaii: Please tell me you have _at least_ heard of this one? Means 'cute'.

Baku: Ah, the fond but dangerous name of our favourite Tomb Robber. Just a name so cute and 'glompable' that it is almost unbefitting of Bakura.

Ano: sort of like 'um'… You use it as a space filler, time stall-er etc etc etc

'anti shirt': term taken from listening to commentary from 'School Of Rock'. I thought the singer looked like something from a fanfiction when I first saw it, so hence, it wormed into my FF.

Fuse wire: it is great for supporting your tomatoes, and I speak from experience. They even keep them up after they're long dead and wilted…sadly, this is also from experience. Nothing seems to grow in my garden… apart from spring onions, chilli and what I believe to be some bok-choy (got to be some freak species from that genetic engineering place to live in my 'garden')

Fruit salad (orange, passionfruit, strawberry, pineapple and grape): hey, it works. I like this combination, so therefore my characters will too.

Dear almost-non-existent adoring audience: please bear with me, seeing as I do have an odd way of writing FF. I start with a random chapter and write everything-ish up before writing stuff in the middle to make it make sense… so that's why sometimes a chapter takes 3x as much time as it is supposed to. Also, like most writers in , I have HOMEWORK, ASSIGNMENTS, and TUTORING and other crap that are mostly education related. sigh I have no life…

To outside world, we'd like to hear from you in our homework-enclosed world, please review and send condolences. (A virtual cookie or virtual stick of pocky would be good too?)


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